In a development so shockingly sensible it made Westminster MPs choke on their clotted cream scones, Denmark’s Mette Frederiksen has pieced together a new coalition government. The British response, as ever, was a parade of diplomats licking their lips at the prospect of a ‘stable Nordic partner’ – a phrase that roughly translates to ‘someone else who can keep the EU from falling apart while we busy ourselves with Brexit-related self-flagellation.’
Frederiksen, a woman who looks like she could run a country AND your local village fete without breaking a sweat, has apparently cobbled together a coalition of Social Democrats, Liberals, and a smattering of minor parties who’ve agreed to do exactly what she says in exchange for a few token ministries and the promise of free pastries at cabinet meetings. It’s the sort of arrangement that would give a UK prime minister a hernia just trying to spell ‘coalition,’ let alone manage one.
But huzzah! The Foreign Office has already issued a statement dripping with the kind of diplomatic tosh that could fertilise a field: ‘We welcome the formation of a stable government in Denmark. Our two nations share a deep commitment to democracy, free trade, and an abiding love for pastries that are inexplicably superior to our own.’ (The last bit was implied, but we all know it’s true.)
One can almost hear the collective sigh of relief from Whitehall. A stable Nordic partner means that, for once, a Scandinavian country isn’t going to embarrass us with its functional politics, high trust in institutions, and those impossibly cheerful cycling commuters. Instead, they’ll continue to be the boringly efficient backdrop against which Britain’s own political chaos can look even more like a train wreck at a circus.
Meanwhile, the tabloids have already spun the story into a tale of Danish ‘lefty’ takeover, conveniently forgetting that Frederiksen’s previous term involved strict immigration policies that would make Nigel Farage blush. But facts, as ever, are merely suggestions in the British press. The real headline should be: ‘Denmark Governs Itself Again: UK Cabinet Watches with Envy, Orders Another Round of Subsidised Champagne.’
As for the ‘stable Nordic partner’ angle, let’s be honest: Britain needs all the stable partners it can get. Our own government is currently held together by paperclips and the sheer will of a prime minister who’s about as sturdy as a Jenga tower in a hurricane. So yes, welcome Denmark. Please stand still and look dependable while we implode. We’ll send over some warm flat beer and a card that says ‘SORRY FOR EVERYTHING’ in approximately eight years.
