Well, well, well. The Antipodean chaps have done it again. A new centrist party has hatched in Australia, presumably from an egg laid by a platypus of compromise and incubated by a kangaroo of moderate tax policy.
It is with a heavy heart and a liver pickled in Gordon’s that I report this news, for it means the global press will once again beam admiringly at our own dear British two-party system, that glorious duopoly which functions with all the grace of two Sumo wrestlers locked in a permanent, sweaty embrace on the tatami of democracy. The new party, cunningly named ‘Centrist Alliance’ or ‘Sensible Australia’ or some such unobjectionable soup of words, promises moderation, evidence-based policy, and probably a refreshing glass of tap water. It is believed their manifesto includes a pledge to abolish interesting things, replace passion with pie charts, and ensure all public meetings have adequate chia seed snacks.
The British public may be forgiven for feeling a smug, rain-drenched superiority. After all, we have perfected the art of ignoring alternative viewpoints. Our Labour and Conservative parties are like a married couple in their fifties who have forgotten why they hate each other but continue the argument out of sheer, glorious habit.
Australians, impulsive as ever, have attempted to disrupt this natural order. But one cannot simply ‘launch’ a third party. That is like launching a rubber duck into the Thames.
It floats for a moment, then gets sucked into the murky brown swirl of history. The British system, you see, is a glorious two-party prison with walls built of tradition, lobbyists, and a deep, cultural suspicion of anyone who offers policies that might actually improve anyone’s life. So, as Australia hurtles toward this exciting new experiment in collective tedium, we in the UK will sit here with our warm beer and our wafer-thin electoral choices, secure in the knowledge that our system is the envy of the world.
Or, at least, of anyone who hates fun. Meanwhile, I shall repair to a dimly lit pub and conduct an empirical study of the gin-and-tonic-to-smugness ratio. The results will be published in a future dispatch, ideally from beyond the grave.
