In a development so utterly predictable it could have been scripted by a particularly unimaginative AI, Montreal has endured a triple shooting. And what ho, the chaps at MI5 and MI6 have decided to rouse themselves from their afternoon tea and Jaffa Cakes to review their intelligence on Canadian violence. Because clearly, the solution to gun crime lies in a dusty filing cabinet in Vauxhall Cross.
Let us pause to savour the sheer absurdity of this tableau. Some poor souls in Montreal, a city more famous for poutine and separatism than its body count, find themselves on the wrong end of a firearm. Cue the British security services, who presumably have a department titled 'Things That Happen in Former Colonies We Still Feel Vaguely Responsible For'. They will now meticulously examine their dossiers, perhaps discovering that Canada has guns, and that some people use them badly. This is intelligence work at its finest.
One can almost hear the briefing: 'Right, chaps, there's been a shooting in Quebec. That's the French bit, north of Vermont. The Canadians are very polite but apparently also shooty. We need to up our game. Anybody know which way the maple leaf points?' This is the sort of incisive analysis that makes you glad our taxes fund these institutions.
Of course, the real story here is not the violence but the theatre of response. British intelligence reviewing Canadian violence is like a plumber examining a leak in someone else's house from his own sofa. It is performative, pointless, and perfectly emblematic of a government that mistakes activity for achievement. The Home Secretary will doubtless issue a statement praising the 'close cooperation' and 'shared values' of the Five Eyes alliance, while the actual bodies are still warm.
Let us not forget the gin-soaked irony. Britain, a nation where knife crime is a parliamentary pastime and where a 'firearm discharge' is often just a swan being cross, is suddenly an expert on overseas shootings. We are the pot calling the kettle a ballistic missile. But no matter. Our spooks will review, and they will opine, and they will issue a report that says nothing new, and we will all nod sagely and wait for the next atrocity.
This is the world we inhabit. A world where violence is met with gestures, where intelligence is a synonym for paperwork, and where a triple shooting in Montreal becomes a British security review. It is a farce, but a tragically unfunny one. The only sensible response is to pour a very large gin, raise it to the victims, and laugh at the utter pointlessness of it all. Cheers.
