In a move that has sent shivers down the spines of corporate beancounters and made the ghost of Rachel Carson cackle with vindication, the Commonwealth of Australia has launched a lawsuit against 3M for poisoning the continent with per- and polyfluoroalkyl substances. These are the so-called ‘forever chemicals’, the unkillable villains of the industrial world that cling to our blood like a bad marriage. Meanwhile, the United Kingdom, ever the eager beaver for multilateralism, is pushing for global regulation. Because nothing says ‘leadership’ like waiting for Australia to start the food fight before you offer to clean up the mess.
Let us take a moment to savour the sheer audacity of Australia, a nation built on the backs of convicts and the relentless march of sunshine, now taking on a chemical conglomerate with the same bloody-mindedness they reserve for cricket matches against England. The lawsuit alleges that 3M knew about the dangers of these chemicals, which are used in everything from non-stick pans to firefighting foam, and chose to hide the evidence. Quelle surprise. The same corporate playbook that gave us tobacco denialism and climate change obfuscation is now being deployed against a class of chemicals so persistent that they will outlive your grandchildren’s grandchildren.
But wait, there’s more. The UK government, in a fit of sudden and inexplicable moral clarity, has decided that this is the moment to champion a global regulatory framework for PFAS. Because nothing says ‘bold action’ like a nation that can’t even sort out its own sewage spills wading into international negotiations. The British approach, as ever, is to form a committee, commission a report, and issue a statement dripping with earnestness. Then they’ll have a cup of tea and wait for the problem to solve itself, or at least for the next news cycle to provide a distraction.
Let us not be churlish, however. The push for multinational regulation is at least a step in the right direction, even if it is taken with the speed of a snail on tranquillisers. The forever chemicals are a global problem, leaching into groundwater, accumulating in polar bears, and turning up in Antarctic snow. They are the unwanted gift that keeps on giving, a testament to humanity’s uncanny ability to create substances so resilient that they mock the very concept of biodegradability.
Meanwhile, 3M is playing its usual game of ‘deny, delay, distract’. The company has said it will ‘vigorously defend’ itself, which is corporate speak for ‘we will throw money at lawyers until the plaintiffs run out of breath’. They have set aside a paltry sum for cleanup, a gesture that is about as meaningful as a single paper towel mopping up a flood. The Australian lawsuit, however, might be different. The country has a history of taking on big tobacco and winning, and its legal system is not easily cowed by American-style corporate bullying.
The real tragedy, of course, is that we are all now walking chemical cocktails. Studies have found PFAS in the blood of virtually every human on Earth. They are linked to cancer, thyroid disease, and a host of other ailments. And yet, we continue to use them in our pizza boxes, our waterproof jackets, and our dental floss. Because convenience trumps caution, and the pursuit of profit is the only ideology that truly matters.
So here we are, ladies and gentlemen. Australia is suing the pants off 3M, the UK is talking about talking about regulations, and the rest of us are left wondering if our tap water will give us a rare form of kidney disease. It is a story as old as time: the powerful abuse the meek, the government dithers, and the journalists drink gin. But at least this time, someone is actually going to court. And that, my friends, is a glimmer of hope in a sea of chemical contamination.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a date with a martini. Extra dry, with a twist of citrus and a side of righteous fury. Cheers.
