In a move that has sent shockwaves through the world of international football and the global public health community, the Democratic Republic of Congo has cancelled a friendly match against Spain, citing concerns over the Ebola virus. The decision, announced via a hastily scrawled communiqué passed through a hazmat suit, has been met with a curious cocktail of relief and bewilderment. Meanwhile, the UK's health protocols have been praised, presumably for not panicking quite as ostentatiously.
The cancellation, which comes as a blow to fans of the beautiful game and spectators of bureaucratic absurdity alike, was made 'in light of the ongoing Ebola outbreak in parts of Africa.' But here's the twist: the outbreak is in DR Congo, not Spain. A continent away. A world away. But fear not, the UK has protocols. Praise be to the protocols.
One can almost hear the clinking of gin glasses in Whitehall as officials pat themselves on the back for their 'robust' response to a disease that remains confined to a region thousands of miles away. It's a masterclass in performative vigilance, a symphony of bureaucratic self-congratulation that would make a Soviet apparatchik blush.
Let us pause to savour the sheer poetry of the situation. DR Congo cancels a friendly with Spain. Spain, the land of paella and siestas, now deemed a potential vector for a virus that has never once been reported there. It's like cancelling a cheese-tasting because of a dairy allergy in a different county. But no matter, because the UK has protocols. And those protocols are being praised. By whom? By the same people who probably praised the Spanish Inquisition for its thoroughness.
The irony here is as thick as the fog over a London November. The UK, a nation that has perfected the art of managed decline and ceremonial panic, is being held up as a beacon of public health competence. For what? For not cancelling a match against DR Congo? For having a plan that involves more acronyms than actionable steps? The praise is as hollow as a politician's promise and twice as intoxicating.
One imagines the meeting where this decision was made. 'Señores,' said the DR Congo official, 'we must be cautious. Spain is a land of sun and tourists. Who knows what they might bring back from their holidays? They could be carriers of indifference.' And so the match was cancelled, leaving Spanish players to ponder their next opponent: a virus that hasn't been invited.
But let us not forget the real hero: the UK health protocol. A document so comprehensive it covers everything from hand-washing to the correct way to handle a parrot in quarantine. It has been praised by experts, albeit those experts who haven't been asked to actually use it in a real emergency. But why let evidence get in the way of a good story?
As the world watches DR Congo cancel yet another international engagement, one must ask: is this the new normal? Will we see a future where countries cancel matches based on the fear of diseases that are not there? Where the UK is lauded for doing nothing but doing it very officially? It's a brave new world, or perhaps just a very silly one.
For now, the friendly is off. Spain's footballers will have to find another way to occupy their time. Perhaps they can practice their 'surprised applause' for the next time the UK releases a protocol. And DR Congo? They remain on high alert, ever watchful for the phantom threat of Spanish influenza or some such. But fear not, dear readers, for the UK has a plan. And it is being praised. Raise a glass of gin to that.
