In a stunning display of continent-wide cognitive dissonance, European lawmakers have clutched their pearls and demanded 'tougher travel safety laws' following a Dutch sex assault probe. Because nothing says 'we care about women's safety' quite like a committee meeting in Brussels. The investigation, launched after a series of incidents on trains and trams, has somehow only now reached the conclusion that perhaps, just perhaps, groping strangers is not acceptable behaviour.
This groundbreaking revelation has sent shockwaves through the EU bureaucracy, where they are reportedly drafting a 400-page directive on 'Intermodal Digital Consent Verification Protocols'. Meanwhile, the Netherlands, a country famous for its tolerant approach to everything from drugs to prostitution, is now grappling with the horror that some men are absolute weapons. The report calls for better policing, more CCTV, and 'awareness campaigns', which in Eurospeak means a series of posters featuring a sad cartoon vagina wearing a seatbelt.
But let's not pretend this is a Dutch problem alone. This is a European problem, an international problem, a problem that requires the full force of the EU's legislative machinery to solve. And we all know how efficient that is.
So expect a new law within a decade, by which point the perpetrators will have switched to automated groping drones. The real scandal is that it took an official probe for anyone in power to act, while women have been sounding the alarm for centuries. But of course, their testimonies were dismissed as 'hysterical' until a bureaucratic report stamped with an EU logo validated their experiences.
Bravo, Europe. You've done it again. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need a stiff drink.
Preferably one that hasn't been tampered with by a Eurocrat.
