In a development that has sent shockwaves through the Westminster cocktail circuit, the Dutch have apparently solved youth unemployment with a scheme so sensible it could only have been concocted by a nation of cheese-obsessed bicycle enthusiasts. The so-called “No dead ends” programme, which ensures every young person either finds work or receives training, has slashed Dutch youth joblessness to a paltry 5.7%. Meanwhile, in Blighty, our own youth unemployment hovers around 11.2%, a figure that would be comical if it weren't for the fact that those 11.2% are increasingly considering cannibalism as a viable career path.
The scheme works like this: every 16-to-27-year-old is guaranteed a job, education, or training placement within three months of leaving school or becoming unemployed. Local authorities, employers, and schools work together in a kind of forced marriage of bureaucracy and capitalism, with the government threatening to fine those who don't play ball. It's almost as if someone in The Hague read a book from the 20th century about how social democracies function.
But here's the rub: this Dutch miracle requires a dedicated budget, local coordination, and a government that treats young people as something other than fodder for the gig economy. In Britain, we have a different approach. We call it “levelling up,” which apparently involves sending a few redundant politicians on trains to Doncaster while the Department for Work and Pensions spends billions on contracts for private companies that “help” people write CVs. The result? A generation of youth who are perfectly qualified to craft a cover letter for a job that doesn't exist.
The Dutch blueprint, detailed in a report by the Institute for Public Policy Research, suggests that Britain could mirror this success by creating a “youth guarantee.” But to do that, Westminster would need to admit that the current system is a shambles, a thought so terrifying that it probably caused a minor heart attack in the Treasury. After all, admitting failure would require actual reform, and we all know that reform is what happens when you've exhausted every option that involves kicking the can down the road.
So here we sit, staring across the North Sea at a nation that has somehow made youth employment work, while our own government continues to fund schemes with names like “Kickstart” that sound like a failed 1990s energy drink. The Dutch have shown us the path. But like a drunk man confronted with a map of his own living room, we refuse to follow it. Perhaps because it requires something we lack: political will, a modicum of competence, and a government that actually gives a damn about anyone under 30. Or maybe we just need better gin. I'm told the Dutch stuff is passable.
