In a development so rich with irony it would make a satirist weep into his G&T, it has been announced that Rodrigo Duterte's war crimes trial before the International Criminal Court will commence in November. And who is leading the charge for accountability? None other than the United Kingdom, a nation whose own historical rap sheet would make a pirate blush. But never mind that, for we are told this is a moment of triumph for international justice, a beacon of hope for the rule of law. The same rule of law that, one presumes, was on a tea break when British forces were doing things in Iraq that would make Vlad the Impaler wince.
Let us consider the cast of characters. Duterte, the self-styled punisher of the Philippines, the man who promised to kill millions of drug users and then delivered on that promise with the enthusiasm of a schoolboy crushing ants. His defence will no doubt argue that he was merely 'cleaning up society' a phrase that has historically been a favourite of authoritarians from Pol Pot to your local neighbourhood busybody. Meanwhile, the UK, fresh from its own spot of bother with the European Convention on Human Rights, will be tutting and shaking its head from the gallery.
The timing is exquisite. November, the month of mists and mellow fruitfulness, and also apparently the month for holding elderly despots accountable for their sins. One can picture the scene: Duterte, possibly in a rumpled barong, shuffling into a Hague courtroom while a battalion of lawyers in bespoke suits argue over the precise definition of 'extrajudicial killing'. The prosecution will present evidence, the defence will present sophistry, and the judges will look suitably grave. It is a pantomime, but a pantomime with real body bags.
And what of the British push? Is this the same government that sells arms to Saudi Arabia, that looked the other way during the Sri Lankan civil war, that has a foreign policy based on the quaint principle of 'do as we say, not as we do'? Yes, the very same. But let us not be churlish. Perhaps this is a genuine conversion on the road to The Hague. Perhaps the penny has dropped that you cannot have a rules-based international order if the rules only apply to people you don't like.
The trial will be a masterclass in selective morality. We will hear about the thousands killed in the Philippine drug war, and we should. Those deaths are a stain on humanity. But we will not hear about the drone strikes, the proxy wars, the quiet arming of unsavoury regimes. That would be bad form. The ICC, after all, is a court of last resort for the world's worst offenders, provided they are not too powerful or too convenient.
So raise a glass to November. It promises to be a season of moral theatre, of righteous indignation, and of that most British of exports: hypocrisy served with a stiff upper lip. Duterte will get his day in court, and we will get the satisfaction of seeing a monster held to account. Just do not ask too many questions about the other monsters, the ones who wear suits and sip champagne at the UN. They are, after all, part of the furniture.
