In a move that has stunned absolutely no one with a functioning brain, the Department of Health has announced the cancellation of the DR Congo friendly, citing Ebola fears. Yes, the friendly. The game where two nations kick a ball about in a spirit of jolly cooperation.
But now, thanks to a microscopic menace, the only thing being kicked is common sense out of the window. Though I must say, it's a refreshing change to see Her Majesty's Government actually taking a deadly virus seriously, rather than dismissing it as 'a bit of a sniffle' or 'great for boosting the immune system'. The Ebola outbreak in the DRC has been rumbling on for months, like a grumbling volcano that no one wants to acknowledge until it spews lava over their brand new shoes.
But now, with the match cancelled, the UK border health protocols have been reinforced. Because nothing says 'we're on top of this' like a few extra hand sanitizer stations at Gatwick. Meanwhile, the players are no doubt heartbroken.
How will they ever find meaning in their lives without a meaningless exhibition match? Perhaps they can console themselves by reading the latest travel advisory: 'Avoid shaking hands, kissing, and sharing bodily fluids.' That last one might be tricky for some footballers, especially after a goal.
But let's be honest: the cancellation is a victory for public health. A rare, shining beacon in a sea of government incompetence. The only downside is that we'll have to wait longer for the inevitable moment when a footballer celebrates a goal by pretending to be a gorilla, which is now officially in poor taste.
I propose a new goal celebration: the Ebola salute. It's just a thumbs up from a safe distance. Anyway, back to the gin.
