In a diplomatic fracas that has all the subtlety of a mariachi band in a library, Ecuador stands accused of meddling in Colombia’s presidential election. Yes, the same Ecuador that previously gifted the world with a James Bond villain’s dream hideout for Julian Assange. The Colombians, in a move that shocked precisely no one, are hopping mad, and the UK has waded in, brandishing the Commonwealth and the Organisation of American States like a vicar waving a broken umbrella at a swarm of bees.
The accusations, which landed with the grace of a hippo in a ballroom, suggest that Quito has been funding a disinformation campaign, plastering social media with ads that claim the Colombian candidate’s favourite colour is beige. Or possibly something more incendiary. Honestly, does it matter? In the theatre of modern politics, truth is just a seat filler.
The UK’s Foreign Office, a department that hasn’t seen this much excitement since Prince Andrew’s disastrous Newsnight interview, has called for an emergency meeting of the Commonwealth, presumably to discuss the worrying shortage of gin in Ambato. A spokesperson, looking as if they’d just swallowed a wasp, declared that “any interference in the democratic processes of a sovereign nation is utterly unacceptable.” This from a country that once sent a gunboat to collect a debt from a banana republic.
The OAS, that glorious talking shop where diplomats go to perfect their long-distance scowling, has been requested to investigate. Expect a report in three to five years, concluding that the weather was lovely but some people were a bit rude on Twitter. Meanwhile, the Commonwealth, that jolly club of ex-colonies where we all pretend the Queen’s head on a stamp is a sign of affection, will issue a strongly worded statement about “respecting the will of the people.” Which will then be ignored by everyone, including the people.
But let’s not forget the sheer absurdity of it all. Ecuador, a country that can’t even decide whether to use the US dollar or the corpse of its own currency, is now a geopolitical heavyweight? Next you’ll tell me they’ve invented a cure for boredom. Colombia, famous for its coffee and cocaine, is accusing its neighbour of dirty tricks? Please. That’s like the pot calling the kettle narco-corrido.
The whole affair is a delicious, gin-soaked reminder that international relations are essentially a school playground, but with more expensive suits and fewer snot bubbles. The UK, desperate to seem relevant post-Brexit, has waded in with all the grace of an elephant in a tutu. And the rest of us are left to wonder: is this a genuine crisis, or just another Tuesday in Latin America?
In the end, the only certain outcome is a flurry of press releases, some very stern looks, and a spike in sales of anxiety medication among diplomatic staff. As for the Colombian election? It will probably be ‘stolen’ by the candidate with the most Instagram followers. But don’t worry, the OAS will be on the case. Right after lunch.
