In a move that has historians reaching for their smelling salts and economists doing backflips off the Gherkin, the UK and Japan have signed an £18bn investment pact. This, we are told, will 'strengthen Commonwealth ties' a phrase that sounds suspiciously like something a spin doctor whispered into a minister's ear while holding a glass of mediocre Chardonnay.
The deal, which the government is calling a 'landmark moment for Global Britain', involves everything from green energy to digital technology. Or as I like to think of it, a very expensive way to ensure that Britain can continue to pretend it has a post-Brexit plan that doesn't involve selling off the crown jewels. The Japanese, bless their polite hearts, have agreed to pour cash into British infrastructure, no doubt hoping some of our legendary efficiency will rub off on them.
But let's talk about the elephant in the room. The 'Commonwealth'. This nebulous entity that exists mostly as a biannual excuse for minor royals to travel abroad and look vaguely interested in agricultural exports. The UK government has, with the straightest of faces, claimed this pact will reanimate that corpse of an empire. It's like trying to revive a dodo by feeding it Red Bull. The reality is that Britain is so desperate for friends post-Brexit that it's now trying to buy its way back into relevance. Japan, sensing a bargain, has obligingly opened its wallet.
The response from the Commonwealth itself has been... muted. Which is roughly how you'd expect a collection of countries that have spent decades shaking off British rule to react to news that the old colonial master is back, cheque book in hand. But never mind that. The government has already rolled out the 'Empire 2.0' branding, complete with a hashtag that no one over 25 understands.
Meanwhile, the proles are expected to celebrate because this magic number £18bn will surely trickle down. Because it always does, doesn't it? The last time we saw trickle-down economics, the trickle was mostly champagne from the lips of hedge fund managers. But look, there's a new high-speed train line to be built, a data centre to be constructed. The economy, as ever, will be saved by concrete and fibre optics. And if it isn't, well, there's always the next 'landmark deal' to flog to the papers.
In other news, the Queen's corgis have been spotted wearing kimonos. No, that's not true. But it's about as surreal as this entire farce.
So raise a glass of lukewarm tea to Commonwealth ties. Because if you can't find real friends, you can always buy some.
