In a story that redefines the phrase 'head over heels,' a couple has been arrested for scaling the Empire State Building in a hare-brained attempt to stage the world's most ill-advised marriage proposal. The pair, identified as one Bartholomew 'Bart' Crumpet and his paramour, Petunia 'Petal' Sprocket, were apprehended at the 86th-floor observation deck, having clambered up the Art Deco behemoth without ropes or any discernible sense of self-preservation.
Witnesses report that the love-struck duo began their ascent at dawn, disguised as construction workers. 'They had hard hats and everything,' gaped a nearby hot dog vendor. 'I thought they were just really committed to fixing a leaky pipe. Then they started climbing the side of the building like deranged spiders.'
New York's finest, already having a grand old time with the city's usual circus of chaos, were not amused. 'This is a colossal waste of our time and taxpayer money,' grumbled Police Commissioner Kevin 'No-Nonsense' O'Malley. 'If you want to propose, do it at Olive Garden like a normal person.'
Crumpet, a professional 'life coach' (read: unemployed optimist), defended the stunt as a romantic gesture. 'I wanted our love to be etched into the skyline itself,' he declared from his holding cell, still clad in his ill-fitting jumpsuit. 'Plus, she said she wanted a ring that was above the clouds. So I thought, why not skip the ring and go straight for the clouds?'
His bride-to-be, a yoga instructor who claims to commune with pigeons, seemed less enthused. 'He told me we were going for a walk to get bagels,' she sobbed. 'Next thing I know, I'm dangling over Fifth Avenue while he's shouting about forever.'
The couple faces multiple charges, including trespassing, reckless endangerment, and being idiots in public. They have been released on bail and are now selling their story to a streaming service for a six-figure sum.
As the sun sets on this post-truth spectacle, one cannot help but marvel at the sheer, unadulterated absurdity of it all. Here were two souls, so desperate to commodify their love into a viral sensation that they risked a Darwin Award. And yet, in a world where people eat Tide Pods for kicks, perhaps this is simply the next logical step in our collective descent into madness.
So raise a glass of cheap gin to the Crumpet-Sprocket alliance, a union built on the shaky foundations of idiocy and Instagram fame. May their marriage be as stable as their climbing technique, and may we all find a better use for our time than gawping at the latest monument to human folly.
