In the rugged highlands of Ethiopia, where the air is thin and the political stakes are thicker than treacle, the nation has trundled to the polls in what is optimistically termed an election. But optimism, like vintage gin, is a rare commodity in these parts. UK observers, sent to ensure the whole charade has a veneer of legitimacy, have called for 'transparency'. Cue hollow laughter from the Acacia trees.
Let's not beat around the burning bush. The franchise is disputed, which is diplomatic-speak for 'a right old mess'. The ruling party, with a grip on power that would make a boa constrictor blush, has secured its usual landslide. Or it would have, if landslides weren't so prone to swallowing dissent whole. Opposition parties allege voter suppression, ballot stuffing, and the kind of electoral chicanery that would make a Chicago alderman take notes.
UK observers, bless their clipboard-toting souls, have issued statements so bland they could be used as wallpaper for a dental surgery. 'We urge all parties to resolve disputes through legal channels,' they droned, while somewhere a counting station mysteriously caught fire. The British voice of reason, a tepid cup of tea in a hurricane, has become the soundtrack to global farce.
And yet, what does this mean for the average Ethiopian? They queue for hours under a mean sun, ink-stained fingers waving, hoping for a say in their future. But say is a commodity traded in backrooms, not ballot boxes. The real election happens in the shadows, where deals are struck and power is divvied up like spoils from a heist.
Meanwhile, the international community performs its customary dance: outrage, condemnation, then a quiet acceptance as business continues as usual. Because Ethiopian coffee still brews, and Chinese infrastructure projects still rise. Morality is a luxury only the powerless can afford.
So here we are, watching another African election that is neither free nor fair, but is called both because language has lost its meaning. UK observers call for transparency, but they might as well call for the moon on a stick. The only transparency here is the clear sight of a system designed to maintain the status quo, come hell or high water.
And if you think this is cynical, you haven't been paying attention. This is not journalism. This is a coroner's report on democracy.
