In a stunning display of moral clarity that nobody saw coming, the English Football Association has officially called for a complete overhaul of the World Cup group stage, citing 'integrity concerns' that have absolutely nothing to do with England's recent elimination. 'The current system is a travesty,' declared FA Chairman Greg 'Honesty's Last Bastion' Clarke, while polishing his golden handcuffs. 'We demand a structure where every team plays every other team exactly 47 times, over the course of a three-year tournament, preferably beginning after a full English breakfast and a half of ale.'
This bombshell, delivered with the solemnity of a vicar discovering a betting slip in a collection plate, comes after yet another heartbreaking exit for the Three Lions. Critics say the FA is simply 'sour grapes' or 'sour Pimm's' or 'sour whatever expensive booze they're quaffing in the boardroom.' But let's be real: your reporter has seen more integrity at a used car dealership run by a used politician. The World Cup, like all of existence, is a glorious, chaotic shambles designed to make the rich richer and the rest of us drink.
Clarke proposed a new format: 'Every team must field at least two left-footed redheads, three players with ridiculous haircuts, and one goalkeeper who clearly just wandered in off the street. That's real fairness.' The plan, predictably, has been met with a wall of indifference from FIFA, a corrupt cabal of men with faces like used bar towels. 'The English are just angry because they always invent the rules and then lose to a bunch of part-time bakers from a country you can't find on a map,' chuckled a FIFA spokesperson, whose salary is roughly the GDP of a small, bewildered nation.
Meanwhile, your correspondent has secured an exclusive interview with an actual integrity. It was hiding in a cupboard at Wembley, weeping softly. 'I haven't been seen since 1966,' it whispered. 'These people think I'm a myth, like the Loch Ness Monster or a sensible Brexit.' The integrity said it plans to release a statement, but only after a long lie down and possibly a gin.
So here we are, folks. Football's coming home. Again. But it keeps getting lost in the post-modern labyrinth of late capitalism. The FA's proposal, complete with diagrams drawn in crayon on the back of a napkin, will be debated at the next FIFA emergency meeting, scheduled for 11:59 PM on a day that doesn't exist.
Your humble correspondent will be there, glass in hand, ready to document the inevitable collapse of common decency. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a date with a bottle of Beefeater and a dictionary of surrealist metaphors. Cheers.
