In a development that has sent security services on both sides of the Atlantic into a frothing panic, the FBI has thwarted a dastardly plan to turn a White House UFC event into a grisly buffet of lead and hubris. Yes, dear reader, the sort of spectacle where men in tiny shorts pummel each other for sport was almost the backdrop for a sniper's deadly artistry. The plot, hatched in the fetid swamps of the dark web, involved a would-be marksman with a rifle and a grudge against something or other.
The FBI, for once not tripping over their own shoelaces, intercepted the plot with the finesse of a cat burglar. Meanwhile, across the pond, MI5 is clutching its pearls and spilling its tea, declaring that UK security services are now on high alert. Because if a sniper can't get a clean shot at a VIP in the land of the free, they might just hop on a Ryanair flight to Londonistan.
The irony is thick enough to spread on toast: the very event meant to showcase American toughness would have been turned into a shooting gallery. But fear not, the bastion of democracy remains unpenetrated, for now. The authorities, in their infinite wisdom, are no doubt rehearsing the appropriate platitudes about vigilance and resilience.
Meanwhile, the rest of us are left to ponder the surreal nature of a world where a mixed martial arts event at the White House is considered a high-value target. What's next? A drone strike on a presidential corgi walk?
The mind boggles. So raise a glass of cheap gin and toast the FBI, for once earning their keep. Just don't get too comfortable: the next plot is probably being hatched on a smartphone in a coffee shop as we speak.
