In a triumph for transatlantic cooperation that probably involved a lot of mutual backslapping and the exchange of classified information over lukewarm Earl Grey, the FBI has announced the foiling of a plot to attack the White House with a swarm of consumer drones. The plot, hatched by a cabal of malcontents whose grasp of reality was apparently as shaky as a three-legged table, was uncovered thanks to critical intercepts shared by Her Majesty’s intelligence services. One can only imagine the conversation: 'Right, chaps, we’ve got a spot of bother. Some chumps in Ohio are planning to buzz the Oval Office with a fleet of DJI Phantoms. Fancy a go?' And thus the wheels of justice turned, lubricated by the finest British tea and American hubris.
The alleged plot, described by officials as 'credible and specific' (read: the perpetrators left a trail of digital breadcrumbs that would have embarrassed Hansel and Gretel), involved the use of modified drones to deliver a payload of explosives to the executive mansion. The suspects, a motley crew of online radicalised misfits, apparently believed they could bypass the most heavily guarded airspace on the planet by simply pressing 'fly' on their remote controls. Their plan was about as well-conceived as using a rubber band to hold up a collapsing suspension bridge. Fortunately, the FBI, with a little nudge from their British cousins, swooped in before any harm could be done. The drones, presumably, are now in an evidence locker somewhere, their batteries confiscated and their ambitions grounded.
Let us pause to appreciate the sheer absurdity of this operation. We live in an age where a terrorist plot is foiled not by heroic gunfights or Bond-style gadgets, but by the interception of WhatsApp messages and the competent use of metadata. The suspects, according to sources, had attempted to procure explosives and had conducted reconnaissance using Google Earth. They likely discussed their nefarious plans over encrypted apps, feeling ever so clever, unaware that the gimlet-eyed analysts at GCHQ were already flagging their messages as potential threats. It is a testament to the modern intelligence community that they can sift through the digital cacophony of billions of messages and pluck out the one from the dimwit in Bumfuck, Ohio who thinks he can take down the US government with a flying Barbecue lighter.
Of course, the British role in this affair will no doubt be played up by ministers keen to demonstrate the 'special relationship' is not just a phrase used to justify the purchase of overpriced American aircraft. One can picture the press release: 'UK intelligence sharing instrumental in preventing major terrorist attack. Once again, Britain stands shoulder to shoulder with our American allies, united in our determination to protect the free world.' Which is a nice way of saying, 'We did the actual spying, you did the arresting. Now please don't look too closely at our own drone programs.'
But let us not forget the bigger picture. This incident is a stark reminder that the nature of threats has evolved. We no longer face fleets of bombers or intercontinental missiles. We face the Bedlington terror: a £500 drone piloted by a man-child who still lives in his mother's basement. The White House, with its bulletproof windows and missile defenses, is now vulnerable to a device that can be purchased at Best Buy. The solution, of course, is not to ban drones (a futile gesture in any case) but to invest in counter-drone technology that can fry their circuits or commandeer their controls. Or perhaps we could simply deploy a giant net, wielded by a stern-faced Secret Service agent. The options are endless.
In the end, justice prevailed. The plot was foiled. The tea was drunk. The gin, presumably, was shared in private celebration. And the suspects, having learned that their grand conspiracy was undone by a combination of human error and the digital panopticon, now face the prospect of spending their best years in a federal prison. There, they can contemplate the folly of their ways, perhaps by imagining the drone flight path that never was. They will have plenty of time. And no internet access.
