In a stunning display of actually doing their jobs, the FBI has thwarted a plot to assassinate the President with long-range rifles from a hotel room overlooking the White House. The alleged conspirators, a trio of men from California and Texas who reportedly met on a pro-gun forum, were arrested after a year-long investigation involving wiretaps and informants. Their plan: to rent a room at the Washington Marriott, order room service, and shoot the most powerful man on Earth while he watered his petunias. Absolutely barmy. It’s like something out of a Tom Clancy novel, if Tom Clancy had been ghostwritten by a drunk pigeon.
Now, naturally, the UK’s counter-terror agencies are on high alert. The Joint Terrorism Analysis Centre has raised the threat level from ‘mildly concerned’ to ‘vague apprehension’. Police are patrolling the perimeter of Downing Street with extra vigour, though one suspects the biggest threat to our dear leader remains his own cheese selection. But the real question: what kind of copycat wally would try this in London? The White House has a clear line of sight from hotels. Number 10 is tucked behind a security checkpoint and a Greggs. The only sniper perch available is the top of the London Eye, and you’d have to queue for an hour and listen to an American couple argue about whether to do the London Dungeon afterwards.
Still, the spooks are nervous. They’re checking every hotel room within 500 metres of Parliament. Imagine being a hotel manager in Westminster today. ‘Good morning, sir. Checkout is at 11. There’s a continental breakfast in the lobby, and please don’t shoot the Prime Minister.’ The sheer inconvenience of it all. The terrorists probably would have used a drone anyway. Or a catapult. The modern terrorist is nothing if not inventive.
Let’s be serious for a moment. The FBI did a good job. They should be commended. But the copycat fear is a symptom of our times: every atrocity begets a dozen imitations. You can’t stop the signal, as the saying goes. The UK’s counter-terror police are already stretched thin, dealing with everything from far-right nutters to Islamist radicals to that bloke who keeps shouting about 5G at the bus stop. Now they have to worry about someone with a deer rifle and a rooms-to-go booking? God help us.
I propose a different solution. Let’s move the White House underground. Or build a giant dome over it. Or, better yet, let’s give the President a helmet. A nice, sturdy one. With a visor. Then the snipers can’t see his face, and he can’t see the mess he’s made. Problem solved.
But the real story here is the sheer absurdity of the plot. These chaps were going to shoot the President from a hotel room? In a city where a pigeon once took out a whole power grid? They should have planned better. They should have bought a crossbow and some poisoned darts. They should have hired a mime. Anything but the most obvious and easily thwarted idea. It’s almost as if they wanted to be caught. Maybe they just wanted a free trip to Washington. The food’s better than Guantanamo.
Anyway, UK agencies are on alert. The public is advised to remain vigilant but not to panic. And if you see a man in a hotel window with a telescopic sight, do try not to ruin his view. He’s probably just birdwatching. Or watching the BBC. It’s all the same these days.
So raise a glass to the FBI. They’ve stopped a calamity. But let’s not pretend the copycat risk is anything more than a headline. The real danger is that someone might actually succeed. And then we’ll have to deal with a President who survives a sniper attack. Do you know how many conspiracy theories that would spawn? The world is not ready. Let’s go back to worrying about the gin shortage.
