In a move that has sent shockwaves through the terraces and left health and safety executives reaching for the smelling salts, Fifa has declared that British football fans must now observe matches from concourses rather than seats. The ruling, delivered via a sweaty fax machine in Zurich, claims this ‘enhances the atmospheric authenticity of the beautiful game.’ It is understood that the decision was taken after a particularly confusing game of Subbuteo involving Gianni Infantino and a bottle of Chianti.
The Premier League, never one to miss an opportunity to monetise misery, has already announced 'Premium Concourse Standing Packages' starting at £199.99, which include a complimentary polyester poncho and a view of a pillar. Meanwhile, the Health and Safety Executive has reportedly issued a statement that begins: 'Well, this is a bit of a sticky wicket.'
Fifa’s official communiqué, translated from the original bureaucratic gobbledegook, suggests that ‘fans have become too comfortable in seats, leading to a dangerous decline in traditional British queuing culture. The concourse, with its sticky carpets and lingering aroma of stale pies, represents the true spirit of football: a communal experience of mild discomfort and vague disappointment.’
I have personally test-watched a match from a concourse, and I can confirm that the experience is transformative. For one thing, you develop a profound appreciation for fire exits. For another, you gain a new perspective on the game: specifically, the back of someone’s head and a cloud of vape smoke that smells suspiciously like burnt jam. The sound is also different. On the concourse, you hear the match through a fog of static from the PA system and the rhythmic thump of a dodgy vending machine dispensing lukewarm Irn-Bru.
Naturally, the British government has responded with characteristic decisiveness: they have appointed a committee to investigate the feasibility of forming a sub-committee. Early findings suggest that the concourse idea might actually be a cunning ploy by Fifa to distract from the ongoing debate about winter World Cups, VAR, and the fact that the World Cup trophy is, appropriately, solid gold and shaped like a weeping man.
Meanwhile, fans are taking matters into their own hands. A group calling itself 'The Concourse Liberation Front' has been formed, with a manifesto demanding 'seats that face the pitch, not a bucket of chips.' Their first action was to stage a sit-in on a concourse, which proved spectacularly ineffective as everyone was standing. Plans to roll a man down the steps in protest were abandoned due to potential legal action.
In summary, British stadium safety standards have been questioned, and the answer appears to be: 'Who cares? The prawn sandwich brigade have been getting too comfortable anyway.' As the great philosopher (and former footballer) John Barnes once said, 'Football is a game of opinions, but standing on a concourse is objectively worse than sitting on a seat.' But what does he know? He’s never been to a Glastonbury toilet.
Ever yours, in defiance of gravity and common sense,
Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite
