In a development that has sent tremors through the corridors of footballing power, the British government has demanded an urgent clarification from FIFA regarding a 'politically charged' hand gesture made by a VAR official during Tuesday night's match between Burnley and a team so forgettable I've already forgotten their name. The gesture in question: a raised pinky finger, allegedly accompanied by a sly wink.
Downing Street sources, who spoke on condition of anonymity because they were clearly terrified of being caught taking a break from reshuffling deckchairs on the Titanic, confirmed that a letter has been dispatched to Zurich. 'We take these matters extremely seriously,' said a spokesman who looked like he'd just swallowed a wasp. 'The gesture could be interpreted as a reference to the Pinky Promise, a known symbol of the Westminster Remainer Faction. Or perhaps it's a nod to the Liberal Democrats, who also have a finger but no idea where to point it.'
FIFA, for its part, appeared flummoxed. A spokesman, who was visibly sweating through his three-piece suit, said: 'We've convened an emergency committee to analyse the finger's trajectory, the angle of the wrist, and the atmospheric pressure at the time. Preliminary reports suggest it may have been a sign for 'I need a wee,' but we cannot rule out a sophisticated geopolitical statement.' The committee has reportedly been in closed session for three hours, emerging only to demand more biscuits.
The British Prime Minister, a man whose face resembles a deflated balloon, was reportedly 'very concerned.' 'We will not tolerate the weaponization of digits in our national sport,' he declared, before being rushed away to deal with a far more pressing crisis: a leaked memo revealing that his own cabinet uses interpretive dance to decide policy.
Meanwhile, the VAR official, a man named Clive who once filed a complaint about the quality of the half-time pies, has gone into hiding. 'He's devastated,' said his agent. 'He was just trying to get a bit of fluff out of his ear. Now he's being accused of inciting a diplomatic incident. He can't even sneeze without someone reading it as a semaphore for regime change.'
Football purists are, predictably, apoplectic. 'This is the death of the game,' frothed one pundit on live television. 'Next they'll be penalizing players for using their eyebrows to signal support for the European Super League. Where does it end? At this rate, the only safe hand gesture will be the thumbs up, and even that's been co-opted by Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy fans.'
Amid the chaos, the actual match is all but forgotten. The score was 0-0, a fitting tribute to the empty gesture at the centre of this storm. As one wit in the pub put it, 'It's not about the finger. It's about the principle. And the principle is that we have absolutely nothing better to do.'
The FA has remained silent, but sources indicate they are preparing a statement that will use the word 'context' at least fifty times. FIFA's final ruling is expected within the week, unless they can find a way to delay it until the heat death of the universe.
In related news, the government has also announced a crackdown on eyebrow twitching, which it claims is being used to communicate secret communist manifestos. The official line: 'We have to be vigilant. One flutter today, a revolution tomorrow.'
This is Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite, asking the question we're all thinking: why do we give these people power? And more importantly, will this affect the price of gin?
