In a development that has shaken the nation to its very carbonated core, the Department for Bubble-Based Catastrophes has issued an urgent recall for several brands of fizzy drink cans. The reason? The terrifying risk of ‘unexpected rupture’ – a euphemism so limp it would make a dead jellyfish look robust.
Yes, dear reader, that innocuous can of lemon-lime swill sitting in your fridge might, at any moment, transform into a shrapnel-laden grenade of sugary doom. Government scientists, presumably interrupted mid-gin, have identified a ‘manufacturing anomaly’ that causes cans to spontaneously self-destruct. One moment you’re reaching for a refreshing beverage, the next you’re picking aluminium shards out of your ceiling and explaining to A&E why your left eyebrow is now sparkling.
The official advice? ‘Do not open the can. Do not shake the can. Do not even look at the can with any hint of aggression.’ I propose we all simply evacuate our kitchens and leave these ticking time bombs to the professionals, who will no doubt deal with them using the same calm efficiency they reserve for Brexit negotiations.
Meanwhile, the soft drink conglomerates – men in suits whose liquid assets far exceed their moral ones – have released a statement expressing ‘deep regret’ and a commitment to ‘customer safety’. Which is rich, coming from an industry that has spent decades convincing us that drinking liquid candy is a sensible life choice. They’ll recall the cans, but they won’t recall the ads showing lithe teenagers frolicking in slow motion while chugging the very nectar of diabetes. Oh no. The spectacle must continue.
But let’s not mince words: this is not a recall. This is a surrender. Big Fizz has finally admitted that their product is so structurally unsound it cannot even contain its own fizzy temper. It’s a metaphor for the times, if you think about it: a bloated, carbonated system on the verge of bursting, held together by nothing but spin and aluminium oxide.
I, for one, will be sticking to gin. The only thing gin ever ruptured was my relationship with sobriety.
Good day.
