In a shocking twist that has left the all-inclusive margarita circuit reeling, a British tourist has perished in a luxury resort fire in the Dominican Republic, prompting a safety investigation that will undoubtedly conclude that fire is, in fact, hot. The incident, which occurred at the Resplandor del Sol resort in Punta Cana, saw flames consume a block of villas with the enthusiasm of a Donald Trump press secretary dodging a question. The victim, 42-year-old Nigel Bumblebrook from Slough, was apparently enjoying a post-prandial nap when the building decided to audition for a disaster movie. Local authorities, in a statement that could have been penned by Franz Kafka, assured the public that they are 'investigating the possibility that the fire may have caused the death,' a deduction that probably didn't require the full resources of the Dominican constabulary.
Meanwhile, the resort management has expressed 'deepest condolences' in the same press release they used to remind guests that the swim-up bar is open until 11 p.m. Tour operators, caught in a PR wildfire of their own, are scrambling to offer alternative accommodations to the 300 guests now evacuating their sun-drenched hellscape. One can only imagine the scene: sunburnt tourists clutching duty-free bags, being herded onto buses while the concierge hands out complimentary mojitos. 'The fire alarms were a bit confusing, to be honest,' reported one guest, a Mrs. Penelope Thistlethwaite, who mistook the klaxon for the conga line starter. 'We thought it was just part of the entertainment.'
Safety experts have already noted that the resort's fire suppression system appeared to consist of a man with a bucket, or possibly a very long straw aimed at the ocean. The Dominican Republic has a storied history of tourist tragedies, from mysterious HRT overdoses to elevator plunges that would make a bungee jumper blanche. Yet the all-inclusive myth persists like a stubborn stain on the white linen of common sense. Because nothing says 'holiday of a lifetime' like dodging smoke inhalation between piña coladas. The investigation, we are told, will focus on the building's electrical wiring, last inspected by a man who'd just finished his shift at the banana plantation. The resort's director of operations, Señor Ricardo Montoya, was unavailable for comment as he was apparently out back polishing the emergency exit sign.
One cannot help but wonder: when will the travel industry realise that burying your dead in a sea of press releases and compensation offers is not a substitute for building codes? But then, what do I know? I'm just a journalist whose gin budget exceeds my rent. The tragedy of Nigel Bumblebrook, a man who likely saved for months to drink watered-down rum and lie around a lukewarm swimming pool, will be forgotten in a week, replaced by the next human-interest story. Unless, of course, the investigation reveals that the fire was started by a faulty toaster in the room of a minor celebrity. Then we might have a real story.
In the meantime, I'll raise my flimsy plastic cup to Nigel, a man who flew 4,000 miles to prove that you can take the chap out of Slough, but you can't take the Slough out of the chap. The Dominican authorities have promised a full report within six months, by which time the resort will have rebranded itself as 'The Inferno Experience' with a special 'Flame-grilled' menu. I hope Nigel's family gets more closure than the fire door received. Good night, and don't let the bedbugs bite. Or, you know, the sparks.