The United States of America, a nation already staggering under the weight of its own grotesque self-regard, has now been dealt a fresh blow: an outbreak of the flesh-eating screwworm. Yes, good readers, the New World Screwworm, a fly larva that treats living flesh as a sort of all-you-can-eat buffet, has been discovered on cattle in Texas. Canada, in a rare moment of sensible self-preservation, has slammed the border shut faster than a Texan reaches for a gun. And now, our own green and pleasant land is on high alert. British farmers, already trembling from Brexit and badger culls, are now eyeing their wellingtons with a new and terrible dread.
Let us paint a picture. The screwworm, scientific name *Cochliomyia hominivorax* (Latin for 'I will eat your face and then your cow's face'), is a parasite straight out of a Cronenberg film. The adult fly lays eggs in any open wound. The eggs hatch into larvae which then proceed to burrow deeper into the flesh, eating the host alive. It is not fussy. It will eat cattle, sheep, goats, dogs, and, should you be unlucky enough to have a paper cut while operating a combine harvester, you. The last outbreak in the United States was in 1982. They spent billions to eradicate it. Now it is back. Like a bad dream. Or a Trump presidency.
Why is this relevant to Britain? Because we import a significant amount of cattle and beef products. Because global travel is a thing. Because the government's biosecurity measures are about as robust as a paper umbrella in a hurricane. The Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA) has issued a statement: 'We are monitoring the situation closely.' This is what they always say. It is bureaucratic code for 'We have absolutely no idea what to do, but we have a very nice spreadsheet.' I suggest we prepare for the inevitable. Picture a British farmer, standing in a muddy field in Shropshire, looking at a cow with a small wound on its flank. Inside that wound, a hundred tiny mouths are feasting. The farmer does not know this yet. But he will. Oh, he will.
Of course, the real comedy is in the response. Canada, bless them, has acted with commendable speed. They have banned all cattle imports from Texas and neighbouring states. The US Department of Agriculture is, predictably, downplaying the situation. 'A small number of cases,' they say. 'Under control.' This is the same agency that gave us mad cow disease. And E. coli. And the phrase 'pink slime'. I trust them about as far as I can throw a steer.
What can Britain do? Firstly, panic. It is the only honest response. Then, demand that our government impose an immediate ban on all livestock imports from the Americas. Then, demand a full audit of biosecurity at ports and airports. Then, demand that every farmer is given a crash course in screwworm identification. And then, perhaps, we might be safe. Or we might just be delaying the inevitable. The screwworm is a relentless creature. It does not respect borders. It does not respect politics. It only respects an open wound.
So, to the farmers of Britain: I salute you. You have survived foot-and-mouth. You have survived bovine TB. You have survived the endless paperwork of subsidies. Now, prepare for the screwworm. Check your cattle. Check your sheep. Check your dogs. And for god's sake, check yourself. If you see a fly that looks slightly too interested in your finger, swat it. Hard. Your flesh is not a nursery.
The time for action is now. The alternative is a nation of livestock slowly being consumed from the outside in, while the government issues press releases. And if that happens, I will be there, reporting from the front line, gin in hand, watching the world end not with a bang, but with a squirm.
