In a development that has left UK security services clutching their metaphorical pearls and their very real tasers, a suspected gang leader has been shot dead in what can only be described as the most floral fatality since a rhododendron fell on a vicar. The incident, which occurred at an unnamed airport (let's call it 'Gatwick of the Damned'), involved an assassin who apparently blended in with the welcome party, brandishing a bouquet of lilies concealing a handgun. The victim, a gentleman of questionable repute, was reportedly 'neutralised' before he could even admire the arrangement.
Witnesses describe a scene of surreal horror: petals drifting down like confetti at a funeral no one signed up for. It was like a scene from a Tarantino film directed by Alan Titchmarsh," one bewildered onlooker said.
Security services have been placed on high alert, presumably tasked with checking every potted plant for hidden artillery. The Home Secretary, in a statement that managed to be both vacuous and ominous, said, 'We are reviewing floral security protocols.' Quite.
One can only imagine the new regulations: no gladioli over six inches, daffodils to be declared upon entry. As the nation grapples with this audacious act of botanical banditry, we at the Gazette propose a simple solution: return to the old ways. Let all arrivals be met with a firm handshake and a pat-down, not a bouquet that could double as a weapons cache.
In the meantime, if you're planning to meet someone at the airport, perhaps stick to a friendly wave. It's less lethal.
