In a move that has sent shockwaves through the corridors of Whitehall and the taps at the Groucho Club, the British Foreign Office has officially condemned the demolition of Palestinian homes in East Jerusalem. The announcement came via a press release so delicately worded it could have been embroidered on a cushion. Foreign Secretary James Cleverly, a man whose hair appears to be in a permanent state of dignified disapproval, declared that the demolitions are 'contrary to international law' and 'unhelpful to the peace process.
' Unhelpful. Like putting a beermat under a collapsing building. The demolitions, carried out by Israeli authorities, have left hundreds homeless and have drawn the sort of stern tutting from the international community that usually precedes absolutely nothing.
The Foreign Office's statement, which was issued at 4pm precisely, the same time as the first gin and tonics were being poured across the capital, emphasised Britain's 'deep concern' and called for a 'de-escalation.' This is diplomatic code for 'we're very upset but we're not going to do anything about it because we're busy buying their drones.' The condemned homes, in the neighbourhood of Silwan, were – according to Israeli officials – built without permits.
Because nothing says 'rule of law' like bulldozing a family's kitchen while they're still asleep. The British response, while morally correct, is about as effective as a chocolate fireguard. It's the diplomatic equivalent of a strongly worded letter to Santa.
And let us not forget, this is the same Foreign Office that has been selling arms to Saudi Arabia for their Yemen adventures, so their moral high ground is currently located at the bottom of a gin bottle. The only thing demolished here is any remaining credibility the UK has as an impartial peace broker. But do not despair, dear reader.
The Foreign Office has promised to 'continue to monitor the situation closely.' Which is to say, they will watch from a safe distance, take notes, and presumably send a strongly worded email to the Israeli embassy about the importance of proper planning permission. The Palestinians, meanwhile, can take comfort in the knowledge that their plight has been acknowledged by a nation that gets most of its news about the Middle East from the back of a cereal packet.
So here's to you, British Foreign Office. May your gin be strong and your condemnations weaker.
