In a spectacle that has united diplomats and pond-life experts in a state of mutual bafflement, a former Olympian has been charged with vandalising the Washington Reflecting Pool. The accused, a gentleman who once hurled shotputs with the grace of a stampeding rhino, is alleged to have transformed that sacred mirror of American democracy into a Jackson Pollock of his own design. Cue the dramatic music, dim the lights, and fetch the smelling salts: US-British ties are reportedly under strain. Yes, you read that correctly. A man who can heave a metal ball twelve miles is now single-handedly threatening the special relationship. Winston Churchill is spinning in his grave. I would say the verdict is still out on whether this is a diplomatic incident or performance art, but frankly, your guess is as good as mine.
Let us set the scene. The Reflecting Pool, that aqueous shrine to Abraham Lincoln and the collective narcissism of tourists, has been defiled. The accused, a man of British extraction named Sir Reginald Something-or-Other I cannot be bothered to remember, allegedly decided that the pool needed a splash of colour. Perhaps he was channelling his inner Banksy. Perhaps he was just bored. The authorities, in their infinite wisdom, have labelled this an act of vandalism and charged him accordingly. The State Department has been forced to issue a terse statement regarding the sanctity of ornamental bodies of water. The British Embassy, meanwhile, is trying to figure out if they can claim diplomatic immunity for a man who once represented Her Majesty in the most gloriously pointless of athletic endeavours.
This, dear reader, is the state of international relations in the 21st century. Gone are the days of spies and missiles. Now we have shotputters and puddles. The special relationship, that sacred bond forged in the fires of two World Wars and countless episodes of Downton Abbey, now hangs in the balance over a splash of something vaguely turquoise. I am told the accused has a fondness for gin. I suspect he and I would get on famously. But let us not dwell on the culprit. Let us turn our gaze to the real victim here: the media.
Oh, how the news cycle must be salivating. A former Olympian. A landmark. A transatlantic kerfuffle. It is a perfect storm of absurdity. CNN can run it. The BBC can run it. Fox News can run it, complete with a graphic that says “Reflecting Poolgate” and a chyron that reads “Olympian Dives into Vandalism.” It is a story that writes itself, which is fortunate because I am drunk and running out of synonyms for “stupid.” But let us not forget the deeper implications. This is not just a pool. This is a symbol. A symbol of American greatness, of history, of the ability to take selfies without getting your feet wet. And now that symbol is tainted. Tainted by a man who probably just wanted to cool off after a long day of reliving his glory days.
The irony is delicious. The reflecting pool, a body of water designed to reflect, has become a mirror of our own foolishness. We point fingers at the Olympian, but we are all complicit. We are all tiny little vandals in the great reflecting pool of democracy, throwing our own petty splashes into the mix. The US-British ties will survive. They always do. But the next time you see a Brit throw something into a body of water, think twice. That man might just be a former Olympian. And that pool might just be a diplomatic incident waiting to happen. I would offer a solution, but I am busy polishing my copy of the Geneva Convention and ordering a gin and tonic. Cheers.