In a stunt that has left diplomats spluttering into their Earl Grey, former British Olympic rower and professional eccentric Algernon ‘Algy’ Fotherington-Smythe has been arrested for dumping 500 litres of industrial-grade dye into the Washington Reflecting Pool, turning the iconic monument a shade reminiscent of a particularly aggressive bottle of Bombay Sapphire.
Witnesses reported the 47-year-old, clad in tweed and a bowler hat, executing a perfect dive into the pool at dawn, clutching a Union Jack and a jeroboam of what he later claimed was 'emergency British gin rations.' The pool has been closed indefinitely, as Park Service officials grapple with how to reverse the stain, which local environmentalists have already dubbed 'The Fotherington-Smythe Teal.'
At a hastily convened press conference, Fotherington-Smythe, still dripping with green effluent, insisted his actions were a protest against 'the United States' increasingly cavalier attitude towards global tea standards.' When asked to elaborate, he produced a crumpled letter from the British Embassy, which he claimed detailed 'unacceptable variations in the temperature of water served with scones during diplomatic functions.' The letter, he alleged, was ignored, forcing him to take 'direct action.'
'This is not vandalism,' he thundered, shaking a soggy fist. 'This is a statement. A clarion call. A chromatic reminder that Great Britain will not stand by while the Americans boil their tea in the same kettles they use for their infernal coffee machines. Have they no shame? No principles? No proper kettles?'
State Department spokesperson Pamplemousse van der Snoot called the incident 'a grotesque violation of international norms and a profound misuse of a perfectly serviceable pool.' The US has lodged a formal protest, and Britain, in a desperate bid for damage control, has offered to send a crate of PG Tips as compensation.
The reflecting pool, currently more reflective of a swamp, is expected to be drained and cleaned at a cost of £2.3 million. Fotherington-Smythe faces charges of desecration of federal property and 'aggravated aesthetic offence.' His defense? 'A proper brew is worth any risk.'
Local ornithologists have reported that the ducks, surprisingly, seem to approve, paddling around the green water with an air of newfound Britishness.