In a twist that has left the capital’s ducks utterly bewildered, former Olympic swimmer Barnaby ‘Biff’ Thistlethwaite (no relation, but a kindred spirit) reports that disgraced medallist Harold ‘Hank’ Splashmore has been charged with vandalising the iconic Reflecting Pool on the National Mall. The pool, a shimmering tribute to Lincoln’s ponderous gaze, now resembles a giant’s bathtub after a particularly riotous bubble party. Splashmore, arrested at 3 a.
m. wearing a speedo and clutching a bottle of gin (a man after my own heart), allegedly dyed the water a lurid magenta using environmentally friendly (he insists) dye. ‘It’s a statement about the toxic political discourse,’ he slurred to officers, who were unimpressed by his aquatic activism.
The charge sheet lists ‘malicious mischief’ and ‘unauthorised use of food colouring on federal property.’ Splashmore, who won bronze in the 200m butterfly in 1996, now faces up to six months in the slammer if convicted. He denies involvement, claiming he was merely ‘channelling the spirit of the Potomac through chromatic osmosis.
’ The National Park Service, not known for its sense of humour, has drained the pool and is considering a razor-wire perimeter. Meanwhile, tourists are furious. ‘I came here for instagrammable reflections, not this neon nightmare,’ huffed a woman from Ohio.
Splashmore’s lawyer, a man named Claude Puddlebottom, argued that the dye was ‘a form of water-based graffiti, protected by the First Amendment.’ The judge, clearly needing a holiday, set bail at $10,000. Splashmore, currently out on his own recognisance, has vowed to ‘swim upstream against the current of injustice.
’ Or he just wants to avoid doing laps in a prison pool. Only time will tell.