The corpse of an 11 year old girl, Lyhanna, has been found dumped in the Seine, a crime so ghastly it has sent the French government into conniptions. Paris, a city that cherishes its baguettes and bureaucratic indifference, is suddenly crying for help. And where does a floundering nation turn? To the UK, obviously, the land of warm beer and forensic geniuses.
In a move that reeks of desperation and perhaps a missed opportunity for a Channel tunnel handover, the British government has offered 'expert forensic assistance.' Yes, the same country that can't find a pot of tea in a Downing Street kitchen is now supposed to help solve a murder. I'm picturing a team of tweed clad boffins with magnifying glasses and urns of lukewarm Earl Grey, combing the banks of the Seine for clues while French detectives weep into their croissants.
The murder of Lyhanna has become a national lightning rod. It's not just a tragedy, it's a political football, thrown into the cage match of French presidential politics. Marine Le Pen is probably already using the photos to bludgeon Macron's interior minister into pulp. But here comes Britain, the slightly shabby uncle offering a loan of his slightly used magnifying equipment.
Of course, the offer is not purely altruistic. It's a chance for the UK to stick its nose back into European affairs, to show that even after Brexit, we're still the clever ones with the good gadgets. Never mind that our own crime labs are backlogged and we can't solve a murder in Margate if it happens in broad daylight. No matter, the show must go on.
Parisians, already jittery after the Yellow Vest protests, are now terrified. The gendarmes are everywhere, looking solemn and pretending they know what they're doing. And now British detectives will swan in, probably mispronouncing everything and asking for directions to the nearest pub. It's a recipe for farce.
But behind the surreal theatre lies a real horror: an 11 year old girl, dead, and a country that can't seem to protect its children. The French government is reeling, and the UK's offer is a slightly ham fisted attempt to look concerned while scoring points. In the end, the only thing that matters is justice for Lyhanna. The rest is just political theatre for the masses, to be watched with a gin and tonic in hand, preferably one purchased before the French airfares went up.
