In a development that has sent tremors through the chancelleries of the world and caused a sharp spike in sales of antacid tablets at the Foreign Office, a Trump-backed political outsider has somehow managed to win the presidency of Colombia. The man, a former reality TV star whose only previous experience in governance was running a chain of car washes in Medellín, has promised to “make Colombia grate again”. His victory was met with polite applause from the White House, a terse statement from the Kremlin, and a collective sigh of relief from the British government, who can now continue to monitor Latin American stability from the comfort of their tweed-filled meeting rooms.
Let us pause to consider the sheer absurdity of this situation. The United Kingdom, a nation that cannot even guarantee a functioning railway system or a consistent supply of gin to its own citizens, has appointed itself the guardian of Latin American stability. I imagine the meeting at Whitehall: a man in a pinstripe suit, clutching a cup of lukewarm tea, saying, “Right chaps, we’d better keep an eye on Colombia. They’ve elected a chap who thinks ‘cartel’ is a type of golf club.” Meanwhile, the newly elected President Carwash, for that is what we shall call him, is probably already planning to build a wall around the Amazon rainforest and make the monkeys pay for it.
But let us not be too harsh on the Colombians. They have suffered through decades of civil war, drug violence, and the indignity of having Shakira’s hips exposed at every World Cup. Is it any wonder they have turned to a man who promises to “shake things up”, even if the shaking involves a complete disregard for the rule of law and a cabinet filled with his former employees from the car wash? The British government, ever the clueless uncle at the wedding, has decided to “monitor the situation”. Monitor it? With what? A pair of binoculars from the roof of the embassy in Bogotá? A dossier written by a former MI6 agent who now runs a bed and breakfast in Cumbria?
The truth is, we are all outsiders now. The world has become a circus, and the UK is the sad clown who forgot his makeup. While we fret about the price of avocado toast and the latest scandal involving a royal family member, Colombia has elected a man who once tried to bribe a drug lord with a free car wash for life. The irony is so thick you could spread it on a churro.
So what will happen next? Will President Carwash fulfil his promise to build a golf course on the ruins of the Palace of Justice? Will he declare war on neighbouring Ecuador over a disputed claim to a particularly good empanada recipe? Will he appoint his wife, a former beauty queen who once appeared on a reality show called “The Real Housewives of Cartagena”, as Minister of Defence? Only time will tell. But one thing is certain: the British government will be there, monitoring it all, sipping their tea and tutting at the chaos from a safe distance.
And as for the gin-soaked journalists of this sceptred isle? We will continue to report on these events with the same seriousness we would afford a cricket match. After all, if you cannot laugh at the end of the world, what can you laugh at?