In a turn of events that would make a sea cucumber blush, the man who was yesterday hailed as the second coming of suntan lotion for saving a hapless swimmer from the clutches of a ripride has today been charged with assault. The very same hands that pulled a drowning tourist from the frothy maw of the Pacific were allegedly employed to deliver a knuckle sandwich to an unfortunate bystander. The bystander, one Cedric Pumblechook of Clapham, was reportedly ‘making a scene’ about a lost flip-flop.
Our hero, Zac ‘The Back’ Thorpedo (not his real name, but let’s get that hashtag trending), now faces the prospect of swapping his speedos for handcuffs. British consular officials, no doubt fuelled by warm tea and a sense of imperial duty, are ‘monitoring the situation’. One can only imagine the conversation: ‘Good heavens, a Brit assaulted?
At Bondi? Pass the smelling salts and the legal briefs.’ The sheer absurdity of it all is enough to make one choke on their prawn cocktail.
Today’s headlines scream betrayal; yesterday’s lionised the lifeguard. The moral of the story: never trust a man with a spray tan and a surfboard who claims to have saved your life. He might just be warming up for a round two on your jaw.
Meanwhile, the real victim of the day is the truth, now drowned in a sea of clickbait and conflicting reports. I need a gin. A large one.
