In a stunning display of billionaire bravado, Bill Gates has finally admitted to having a 'chummy relationship' with the late Jeffrey Epstein, while simultaneously denying any knowledge of the man's reputation as a prolific sex trafficker. This revelation comes as UK charities scramble to review donor vetting policies, presumably to ensure they don't accidentally accept blood money from space lasers or time-traveling cyborgs.
Let's be clear: Gates knew Epstein. He dined with him, flew with him, and even discussed the existential threat of AI over a game of badminton at Epstein's private island. But according to Gates, it was all perfectly innocent. 'I had a chummy relationship with Jeffrey Epstein,' Gates told a reporter, with the same casual tone one might use to describe a fondness for a particular brand of artisan cheese. 'He was smart, he was rich, he had a great sense of humour. I had no idea he was a convicted sex offender who liked to throw his weight around in ways that would make Caligula blush.'
Cue sound of cynical snorting from the peanut gallery. Gates, a man who presumably has access to the internet, would have you believe he was completely oblivious to Epstein's predilections. This is the same Epstein who had a 'Lolita Express' plane and a private island colloquially known as 'Orgy Island.' But sure, Bill, you thought he was just a misunderstood philanthropist with a thing for aviation and tropical real estate.
The timing of this admission is impeccable, as UK charities are now in a tizzy about donor vetting. Perhaps they should consider a new protocol: if a potential donor has a private island where underage girls are trafficked, maybe just say no. But that's just a thought from a humble gonzo journalist with a gin dependency.
Gates's non-denial denial is a masterclass in PR spin. He didn't say he regretted associating with Epstein. He didn't say he was disgusted by Epstein's crimes. He simply said they were 'chummy.' As if Epstein were a slightly eccentric uncle who tells inappropriate jokes at Christmas, rather than a monster who ruined countless lives.
And what of the charities? The Guardian reports that they are 'reviewing procedures' to ensure donors are 'aligned with their values.' This is rich, coming from an industry that has been known to accept money from arms dealers, drug lords, and, apparently, enablers of sex trafficking. But yes, by all means, let's hold a committee meeting to discuss the definition of 'chummy.'
Perhaps the most galling part is Gates's suggestion that the media is blowing things out of proportion. 'It's not like I was his best friend,' he huffed. No, Bill, you were just his constituent in the 'billionaire who thinks he's smarter than everyone else' club. A club where membership is exclusive, the drinks are expensive, and the moral compass is optional.
So here we are, in a world where a man can publicly admit to being 'chummy' with a convicted sex trafficker and face no consequences. Where charities will hold a meeting, issue a statement, and then go back to accepting cheques from anyone with a pulse and a wallet. And where I, Biff Thistlethwaite, will continue to report from the edge of sanity, because someone has to point out that the emperor is not only naked, he's also dancing with a known predator.
Raise your glass, dear readers. To chummy relationships with monsters. To charity vetting procedures that wouldn't catch a cold. And to the unshakable belief that money can buy absolution. Cheers.
