In a development that has sent shockwaves through the global community of gin-swilling satirists, Ghana’s anti-LGBTQ+ bill has come under the microscope of His Majesty’s Government, who have issued a strongly worded memo reminding the erstwhile Gold Coast that human rights are not optional extras like heated seats in a second-hand Range Rover. Yes, dear readers, the British have poked their noses into the affairs of a sovereign nation, because nothing says ‘we respect your independence’ quite like a colonial power tutting from 3,000 miles away.
Ghana’s Parliament, in its infinite wisdom, has decided that the best way to tackle the pressing issues of its economy, infrastructure, and climate change is to focus laser-like on who people choose to love. The bill, a 2021 masterpiece of legislative bigotry, criminalises same-sex relationships and further marginalises the LGBTQ+ community, because clearly the biggest threat to Ghanaian society is two consenting adults holding hands. I mean, forget about the fact that the country’s debt-to-GDP ratio is roughly equivalent to my bar tab after a night of reporting on the state of the nation. Priorities, people.
Enter Britain’s Foreign Office, which has put on its concerned-parent face and urged Ghana to ‘comply with its human rights obligations’. Because nothing says ‘we’ve turned over a new leaf’ like the architects of the slave trade lecturing anyone on human rights. But I digress. The British government, in a statement that probably went through seventeen drafts and a cuppa, emphasised that the bill would hurt Ghana’s international standing and could jeopardise trade. Yes, trade. The ultimate arbiter of morality in the 21st century. If you can’t sell yams to the West because you’re being a bit too aggressive with the homophobia, maybe it’s time to reconsider. Or maybe not. I’m not here to moralise. I’m here to drink gin and mock the absurdity of it all.
Let’s be clear: Ghana is not a puppet of the UK. It has every right to pass stupid laws. We’ve got plenty of our own. Remember Section 28? That was a barnstormer. But here’s the rub: human rights are not a la carte. You can’t say ‘we love democracy and freedom’ and then treat a chunk of your population like they’re the punchline to a bad joke. The bill, which includes life imprisonment for ‘promoting’ homosexuality, is a masterclass in overreaction. It’s like using a nuclear warhead to deal with a mosquito. Actually, mosquitos are more dangerous. They carry malaria. Gay people carry… rainbows? Glee? Possibly a better sense of fashion?
Meanwhile, the usual suspects have lined up to defend the bill. ‘Cultural sovereignty,’ they cry. ‘We must protect our values.’ Because nothing says ‘traditional values’ like copying Victorian-era laws that were themselves imported. If we’re talking cultural purity, Ghana should be brewing palm wine and debating polygamy, not borrowing from the British Empire’s playbook of persecution. But no, let’s pretend this is all about Ghanaian authenticity. It’s bollocks, of course, but bollocks is a renewable resource.
The real scandal here is not that Britain has an opinion. The real scandal is that we pretend our hands are clean. We lecture Ghana while our own LGBTQ+ community still faces rising hate crimes and a government that treats trans rights like a hot potato. But hey, it’s easier to point fingers at Accra than to clean up Soho, isn’t it?
In conclusion, everyone involved in this farce should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves. Ghana’s parliamentarians for wasting time on bigotry, Britain for its hypocritical hand-wringing, and the international community for acting surprised that a country with its own struggles might pass a terrible law. I’m going to pour myself another drink. Cheers to the queer Ghanaians who just want to live their lives without being a political football. You deserve better. We all do.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a date with a bottle of Gordon’s and a righteous sense of indignation. Same time tomorrow?
