In a development that has sent political analysts into a tizzy of cognitive dissonance, a congressman who has been missing, presumed dead or perhaps just on a very long bender, has been reelected to his seat in a primary landslide. The candidate, whose name escapes me due to the sheer volume of gin I've consumed, was endorsed by the Orange Oracle himself, Donald Trump. And lo, the constituents of [District Name, because who cares enough to fact-check?] voted for a man who is more absent than a Tory MP at a climate change debate.
Let us dwell on the glorious absurdity of this: a man who is physically not present, possibly deceased, definitely not canvassing, has won an election. This is not a metaphor for political irrelevance; this is actual reality. The man is missing. His last known location is a mystery. His campaign consisted of a Trump tweet and a puff of smoke. And yet, he triumphed. It seems the American electorate has finally cracked the code of efficient governance: you can't be blamed for not showing up if you never show up in the first place. This is Schrödinger's Politician: simultaneously representing and not representing his district, until someone opens the ballot box.
The reaction from the political establishment has been predictably insane. Spokespersons for the GOP have hailed this as a 'victory for the people against the deep state' and a 'mandate for transparency.' Because nothing says transparency like a ghost winning a seat. The missing man's opponent, a real, breathing human being with a pulse and a slightly less hideous tie, is reportedly 'disappointed but not surprised.' That's the spirit. Lower your expectations until they meet the gutter, and you will never be disappointed.
What does this tell us about modern democracy? Let me break out my special satirical decoder ring: it tells us that personality, policy, and presence are optional. All you need is a name that's been blessed by a reality TV star with the attention span of a gnat. The voters have spoken, and their message is clear: 'We would rather vote for a void than a Democrat.' Or perhaps they simply looked at the ballot, slurred 'Who?' and ticked the nearest box. In a country where nearly half the population thinks the earth is 6,000 years old and that crystals can cure cancer, expecting them to notice their representative is missing is a bridge too far.
The media, of course, is treating this as a serious political story. They have brought in pundits to analyse the 'implications' and 'voter sentiment.' Meanwhile, I am in the back of the newsroom, refilling my flask and wondering if this counts as a proxy vote by the Undertaker. The only logical explanation is that the congressman is actually fine, maybe in a bunker with Alex Jones, and this is all performance art for the upcoming election. Or perhaps he is dead, and his corpse will be sworn in, setting a new precedent for term limits: death is no longer a disqualification.
Either way, this victory has paved the way for a new kind of politics: the absentee ballot taken to its logical extreme. Why bother with town halls, debates, or even a pulse? Just get the Trump nod, go missing, and let the electoral machinery churn out votes like a slot machine. I propose we retire all politicians and replace them with cardboard cutouts. They would be cheaper, more honest about their presence, and at least we could use them for target practice.
As I drain the last of my gin, I raise a glass to the missing congressman: may his reign be as long and invisible as his campaign. And may we all learn the lesson that in American politics, you don't need to be present to win. You just need to be the lesser of two evils that doesn't show up.
Biff Thistlethwaite, out. From the edge of sanity, where the only thing missing is logic.
