In a stunning display of what happens when the legal system temporarily forgets to be a complete farce, Rex Heuermann, the alleged Long Island serial killer who allegedly dispatched eight women with all the care of a man discarding empty tonic bottles, has been sentenced to a lifetime of contemplating the grim wallpaper of a maximum-security cell. The verdict, which came down faster than a politician’s promise on election eve, has British detectives practically patting themselves on the back for their alleged involvement in the case. Yes, you heard that right: the Met police, presumably after a particularly strong cup of tea and a cursory glance at a map of New York, have hailed the sentence as a triumph of transatlantic cooperation.
One can only imagine the enthusiastic faxing and the stern phone calls that must have taken place. The victims, eight women whose lives were tragically cut short, have finally received a measure of justice. Let us raise a glass of lukewarm gin to that.
The killer, a man who evidently mistook the suburbs of Long Island for his personal hunting ground, will now trade his neatly manicured lawn for a shared cell and a diet of regret. The British justice system, perhaps feeling left out of the limelight, has eagerly jumped on the bandwagon, with a Scotland Yard spokesman declaring that 'justice knows no borders' – a sentiment that would be more convincing if the Yard didn't spend most of its time losing evidence and surveilling the wrong people. But let us not be churlish.
In a world of Brexit blunders, ransomware attacks, and politicians who speak with all the sincerity of a used car salesman, this is a rare moment of genuine closure. The families of the victims can now sleep easier, knowing that the monster is behind bars. And the rest of us can return to our favourite pastime: worrying about the price of gin.
