In a move that has sent ripples through the international community and caused a significant spike in sales of waterproof monocles, His Majesty's Government has announced a new trilateral pact with the United States and Australia to develop a fleet of underwater drones. Because nothing says 'Global Britain' like outsourcing our naval defence to robot fish.
The AUKUS agreement, which sounds like a sneeze from a particularly posh gentleman, promises to deliver 'game-changing capabilities' in the murky depths of the world's oceans. This is, of course, exactly what the British public has been clamouring for, rather than, say, affordable housing or functional train services.
'This is a historic moment,' declared a government spokesperson, presumably while standing on a submarine-shaped podium and sipping gin from a periscope. 'We are taking the fight to the enemy, not with boots on the ground, but with robotic plankton in the water.'
The drones, they assure us, will patrol the seas with the stealth of a ninja and the menace of a malfunctioning Roomba. They will protect our interests, such as the freedom to charge exorbitant prices for beachside ice cream, and ensure that no undersea cable is tampered with by dastardly foreign powers.
Critics, however, have pointed out that this alliance might be less about defence and more about keeping up with the Joneses, who in this case happen to be China. 'It's a submarine arms race,' said a defence analyst, 'but with more acronyms and a distinct lack of actual submarines.'
Meanwhile, the Royal Navy has been ordered to rename its fleet of conventional submarines to 'vintage underwater vehicles' and begin offering guided tours to schoolchildren, because nobody respects tradition anymore.
But let us not be cynical. This is a bold step into the future, a future where our national security is entrusted to machines that have the emotional intelligence of a toaster. The only question that remains is whether these drones will be programmed to surface and perform a little dance when they successfully detect a sneaky foreign vessel. One can only hope.
As the sun sets on the British Empire, it rises on the British Submarine Drone Emporium. And we, the taxpaying public, get to foot the bill. Splendid.
