In a stunning display of athleticism gone awry, a former Olympian was today apprehended for allegedly defacing the hallowed waters of the Washington Reflecting Pool. The security breach, which sent shockwaves through the Monuments District, involved the suspect, one Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite reporting from the scene, though I confess I was a bit too slow on the uptake. The accused, a man whose name shall be withheld until the lawyers have their fill, was seen performing what witnesses described as 'a series of intricate and highly illegal freestyle strokes' across the pool's surface, leaving in his wake a trail of what can only be described as 'artistic sewage' or perhaps 'protest by-product.
' The pool, which normally reflects the stoic majesty of the Lincoln Memorial, now resembles a Jackson Pollock after a particularly heavy curry. Authorities were alerted by a flock of tourists who mistook the athlete's synchronised splashing for a new installation by a conceptual artist known only as The Splasher. The Olympian, who won gold in the 1996 Atlanta games for the 100-metre breaststroke, allegedly used a combination of waterproof paint and an unidentified viscous liquid to create his 'masterpiece.
' A source close to the investigation, speaking on condition of anonymity (and a rather handsome bribe of ten pounds and a bottle of cheap gin), said: 'He was absolutely determined to make a statement. We're not sure what the statement is, but by god, it's a statement.' The suspect was eventually cornered by security personnel after a high-speed pursuit that involved three golf carts and a confused park ranger.
As he was led away in handcuffs, the Olympian reportedly shouted, 'This isn't about me! This is about the state of our nation's reflecting pools! They need more colour!
' The incident has reignited debates about security at national landmarks, with one senator (name redacted for legal reasons) calling for increased surveillance and a ban on all water-based protests. Meanwhile, the pool itself will be drained and cleaned, a process expected to cost taxpayers a sum that could fund a small war in a minor country. In a related story, my editor informs me that my expenses for 'poolside reconnaissance' will not be covered.
I shall be writing a strongly worded letter to my MP. Or maybe just another invoice, with a scribbled note about 'non-negotiable journalistic integrity.' Either way, the gin is running low, and this story is not yet finished.
Stand by for more updates, as this tragedy unfolds in its own peculiar, absurdist way.