In a move that has shaken the gin-and-tonic brigade to its very core, the United States government has declassified four videos of unidentified flying objects. Yes, you heard that correctly. The same government that once told us that aliens were just weather balloons and that the moon landings were definitely not filmed in a studio has now decided to give us the cosmic equivalent of a teenager's Instagram account: blurry, confusing, but somehow compelling.
Let's be clear about what we are dealing with here. These videos, captured by US Navy pilots, show objects that can accelerate faster than a Cabinet minister running from a scandal, hover with the grace of a drunken angel, and change direction like a politician's principles. The UK intelligence community, no doubt fuelled by tea and existential dread, has assessed the threat level as 'somewhere between a mild inconvenience and the end of civilisation as we know it'.
Now, I know what you are thinking. You are thinking that this is all a grand distraction from the fact that the Prime Minister couldn't find his own arse with both hands and a map. And you would be right. But let us indulge in this little piece of madness, shall we?
The first video, dubbed 'Gimbal', shows a small object that looks like a spinning top from hell. It moves in ways that defy our understanding of physics, which is ironic considering that physics was invented by humans. The second video, 'Go Fast', features an object that zips across the screen like a coked-up hummingbird. The third, 'FLIR', shows something that looks suspiciously like a giant tic tac, which raises the question: are aliens already selling breath mints? The fourth video, which has been newly declassified, shows an object that resembles a flying saucer from a 1950s B-movie, which is either a brilliant homage or a sign that the universe has a sense of humour.
UK intelligence, bless their cotton socks, have been tasked with assessing the threat. Their report, leaked to this very publication (for a price, naturally), concludes that these objects 'may or may not be extraterrestrial' and that they 'could pose a risk to national security or they could just be a load of rubbish'. This is the same intelligence community that told us Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. So forgive me if I don't start building a bunker just yet.
But let us consider the implications. If these are indeed aliens, then they have been watching us for decades. They have seen our wars, our reality television, our obsession with avocado toast. And they have decided that the best course of action is to fly around in circles and let us film them on our phones. Either they are incredibly polite, or they are laughing so hard that they can't steer.
Alternatively, this could be a government plot to distract us from the fact that our train system is a shambles, the NHS is on its knees, and the economy is held together by sticky tape and hope. 'Look! Something shiny in the sky!' they cry, while quietly dismantling the welfare state. It is a classic magic trick, the kind your uncle does at parties when he has had too much sherry.
In conclusion, I have no idea what these videos show. They could be alien craft, secret US military projects, or a flock of unusually aerodynamic seagulls. What I do know is that the government is telling us something, and that is always a cause for suspicion. So pour yourself a stiff drink, strap in, and remember: if the aliens do land, be polite. They might be the only ones who can explain Brexit.
