In a move that has sent tremors through the chattering classes and caused a collective tightening of bowels in the commentariat, the Supreme Court has given Donald J. Trump the green light to evict tens of thousands of Haitian and Syrian immigrants from the nation's bosom. The court, in its infinite wisdom and with a straight face, declared that the President may unilaterally terminate Temporary Protected Status (TPS) for these fine people. Because nothing says 'land of the free' quite like 'pack your bags and good luck with that whole civil war thing'.
Let us pause to savour the delicious irony. The same nation that spent two decades dropping bombs and fomenting chaos in the Middle East and Haiti is now shrugging its shoulders and saying, 'Sorry, your country's a bit of a mess right now. Not our problem.' It's like throwing a house party, setting the curtains on fire, and then kicking out the guests for smoking indoors.
Biff Thistlethwaite, your semi-sober satirical correspondent, is here to parse the madness. The court's decision, penned by some robed aristocrat with a lifetime appointment and a questionable wig, argues that the President has 'broad discretion' in immigration matters. Quite. Broad discretion to define 'temporary' as 'until I get bored' and 'protected' as 'protect yourself, mate'.
But let's not be churlish. TPS was always a temporary measure, like a sticking plaster on a bullet wound. It's not the government's fault that the plaster kept getting stuck to the government's own incompetence. Haiti is still reeling from earthquakes, hurricanes, and the legacy of a certain fruit company's interference. Syria is still a smouldering heap after a decade of war. But apparently, the American taxpayer can't be expected to foot the bill for the consequences of American foreign policy. That would be, as the pundits say, 'unsustainable'.
So what happens now? Well, the 50,000 Haitians and 5,000 Syrians currently on TPS will have to scurry back to lands where the only thing more unstable than the infrastructure is the government. Perhaps they can take comfort in the fact that the American Dream was always a myth, a bit like the Loch Ness Monster or a functioning railway system.
Meanwhile, the President tweeted his glee, no doubt while marinating in a bath of his own self-satisfaction. The White House press office released a statement praising the decision as a 'victory for the rule of law'. Funny, that. I thought the rule of law was about protecting the vulnerable, not about enabling the powerful to do whatever they want as long as they wear a suit and tie.
The chattering classes will now scurry to their keyboards, typing furious op-eds about the 'end of American decency'. But let's be honest: decency died a long time ago, probably around the time 'reality TV star' and 'president' became synonymous. This is just the final nail in a very expensive, very ugly coffin.
Biff Thistlethwaite signing off. I'm off to find a gin distillery that hasn't been outsourced to Haiti. Cheerio.
