In a development that has sent shivers down the spines of both civilised society and anyone who's ever enjoyed a decent cup of tea, Steve Hilton, the former Downing Street aide and man who once advised David Cameron on how to be 'modern and compassionate' (we're still looking for evidence on that one), has announced his intention to run for Governor of California. Yes, you heard that correctly. The man who helped architect the 'Big Society' – a concept that vanished faster than a gin-and-tonic at a newspaperman's funeral – now wants to govern a state that is literally on fire, broke, and currently run by a man who looks perpetually confused by his own reflection.
Let's get this straight. Steve Hilton, a balding, permanently smirking Brit who left the UK after realising his political stock was lower than a snake's belly in a ditch, is now aiming to be the executive of the world's fifth-largest economy. And his platform? According to his own so-called 'radical' ideas: ditching the party system (because chaos is definitely what California needs), moving the entire state government to a remote island (suggesting he's maybe watched a bit too much 'Pirates of the Caribbean'), and banning all politicians from wearing suits. That last one is particularly rich coming from a man who spent years in a suit schmoozing with the Westminster elite. But ignore the stifling irony. The man has a plan, and it's either desperately brilliant or deeply, deeply insane. Possibly both.
Now, you might think this is a satirical fever dream, but no. Hilton has been hopping between Silicon Valley parlours and Republican donor retreats, waving his copy of 'The Age of Disruption' (a book heavy on complaints, light on solutions) and promising to make California a 'laboratory for freedom'. The same freedom, presumably, that allows tech billionaires to pay no tax while the homeless defecate on their own doorsteps. This is the man who wants to 'disrupt' state bureaucracy while having zero experience of actually running anything beyond a small, chaotic Westminster office he was eventually fired from.
But let's not be too harsh. At least Hilton is offering something different from the usual California fare. Unlike Gavin Newsom, who tries to solve wildfires with virtue-signalling Twitter spats, Hilton proposes 'radical localism' – which means neighbourhoods get to decide their own fire codes, water rights, and who gets to own a handgun. What could possibly go wrong in a state where one wrong spark can incinerate a mountain? The man's brain clearly runs on a different operating system, one where logic is just another app you can delete.
And here's the real kicker: he's actually gaining traction. Donors who have more money than sense are pumping cash into his campaign, and a recent poll showed him in double digits among Republican voters. Yes, the man who was so disliked in British political circles that even Boris Johnson refused to return his calls is now a credible candidate in the United States. It's as if the world is determined to prove that satire is dead, and reality has taken over the asylum.
So what does this mean for the already strained relationship between the UK and the US? If Hilton wins, expect a lot of very awkward explanations from the British Ambassador to the White House. 'Yes, well, he's not really one of ours. He's a bit... eccentric. And by that, I mean he thinks a hot plate can function as a politician.' The man's victory would be the ultimate act of British political export: we send them our cast-offs, our subprime ideas, and our relentless optimism that somehow, everything will be fine if we just ignore the data.
But perhaps Hilton is exactly what California needs. A bold, seemingly irrational decision that encapsulates the American Dream: fail upwards, move west, and reinvent yourself as a sheriff of the apocalypse. After all, Ronald Reagan started as an actor with no political experience, and look where that got us. So go on Steve, run. Embrace the chaos. And if you lose, you can always come back to the UK and launch a podcast. We have plenty of gin.
