In a move that has left the Vatican press corps both inspired and mildly sunburnt, His Holiness Pope Leo XVI touched down in the Canary Islands this morning, presumably with a suitcase full of holy water and a carefully curated playlist of righteous anger. The pontiff, whose mitre was reportedly buffed to a blinding gleam by a trainee cardinal, proceeded directly to a beach in Gran Canaria to denounce the steady drip-drip of migrant deaths in the Mediterranean. With the Atlantic waves lapping at his pristine white robes, he called on European governments to 'open their hearts and their ports' to those fleeing war and poverty.
Meanwhile, some 2,000 miles north, Her Britannic Majesty's Border Force officers were seen peering through binoculars at the horizon from a clifftop in Dover, squinting as if trying to spot a rogue Rubber Dinghy Painted Grey. The juxtaposition was enough to give any sentient being whiplash: a global moral authority weeping for the dead while a nation that once ruled the waves conducts the world's most bureaucratic game of 'I Spy'. Sources close to the Palace of Westminster have confirmed that the Home Secretary has already drafted a strongly worded letter to the Pope, reminding him that 'Britain has its own rules' and that 'charity begins at Channel crossings'.
Meanwhile, the Canary Islands, already groaning under the weight of thousands of desperate souls, have been promised a new EU-funded sewage treatment plant. One can only pray that the holy father's next flight isn't delayed by a flock of seagulls blocking the runway. Because that would just be the pigeon on the proverbial cake.
