In a development so astonishing it would make a Bond villain blush, Her Majesty's finest have sauntered into the Nigerian bush and liberated a veritable platoon of prisoners from the clutches of Boko Haram. Yes, the Special Air Service, those chaps who make Jason Bourne look like a drowsy sloth, have decided to take a scenic detour from their usual rounds of sipping Earl Grey and polishing their ghillie suits to engage in a spot of humanitarian intervention. It seems the SAS, bored with the damp squib of peacetime, have taken it upon themselves to crash the party of every terrorist from Lagos to Lake Chad.
Reports are murky, as reports always are when they involve men who can kill you with a paperclip and a stern look. But what we know is this: hundreds of souls, previously enjoying the dubious hospitality of Boko Haram's infamous 'resorts,' are now free. The operation, code-named 'Operation Neck Snappingly Competent,' was executed with the kind of clinical precision that makes the Ministry of Defence blush with pride and the Treasury wince at the cost of ammunition. Allegedly, the SAS worked alongside Nigerian forces, though one suspects the collaboration was akin to a concert pianist duetting with a toddler on a xylophone.
Now, the government, in its infinite wisdom, has confirmed the SAS involvement with all the enthusiasm of a man confessing to a fondness for My Little Pony. A statement from the MOD: 'We can confirm that British personnel were involved in a regional security operation. Details, naturally, are classified, but we can assure the public that all action was taken in accordance with international law and with the full consent of the Nigerian government.' Translated from civil servant speak: 'Yes, we kicked down some doors. No, we won't say how many doors. Do stop asking.'
The true genius of this operation, however, lies not in the daring rescue but in the sheer audacity of British foreign policy. For years, the SAS have been the ghost in the machine, the elves in the shadows, the men who make the world safe for democracy while the rest of us debate the merits of artisanal cheese. And now, with this latest escapade, they have reminded us that while Europe burns over migrant quotas and trade deals, Britain is still out there, doing what it does best: being terribly effective at violence. It's almost admirable, in a slightly psychopathic way.
But let's not get too carried away with jingoistic fervour. This is, after all, the same government that thinks a 'world-beating' test and trace system is something to boast about. The SAS operation is a welcome distraction from the fact that our rail network is held together with string and hope, and that the average waiting time for a hernia operation is now measured in geological epochs. So while we applaud the heroes who can navigate a jungle under fire, let's spare a thought for the fact that we can't navigate a single page of the HMRC website without crying.
In conclusion, the SAS have done a bang-up job. They've freed the hostages, reaffirmed British martial prowess, and given the tabloids something to crow about other than Meghan Markle's choice of curtains. Boko Haram, for their part, will now have to find new hideouts and possibly a new line of work. Something less likely to attract men with night vision goggles and a pathological dislike of terrorists. Perhaps they could open a chain of vegan cafes? Though I suspect the SAS would still find a reason to pay them a visit.
So raise a glass of gin, dear reader. It's a good day to be British. Unless you're a Boko Haram member, in which case it's a very, very bad day indeed.
