In a display of diplomatic gymnastics that would make an Olympic gold medalist weep with envy, the British government has called for 'restraint' in the Middle East after Israeli troops shot dead two individuals in southern Lebanon. Restraint. Yes, because what this powder keg of a region needs is more people urging calm while the bullets fly and the rhetoric burns hotter than a chip pan fire in a dry January household.
Details are, as always, filtered through the murky prism of state-approved ambiguity. The Israeli Defence Forces, never ones to let a good story get in the way of a bad fact, claim the two were 'suspicious figures' approaching the border. Suspicious. In Lebanon, being a shepherd fetching a stray goat is suspicious. Being a farmer checking your olive grove is suspicious. Having a pulse within three miles of the Blue Line is borderline terrorism these days. But of course, they were probably planning a daring attack on Tel Aviv armed with a catapult and a jam sandwich. That seems to be the bar for lethal force in the modern age.
Meanwhile, the United Nations Interim Force in Lebanon, otherwise known as UNIFIL, those eternally bewildered peacekeepers who watch the chaos unfold like umpires at a prize fight, have expressed 'deep concern.' Deep concern is the international community's favourite euphemism for 'we're not doing anything, but we're really, really worried about it.' You can set your watch by it: bang goes a bomb, crack goes a bullet, and out comes the phrase 'deep concern' like a fat man at a buffet.
But let's not forget the elephant in the room: the UK's role in this tragicomedy. Our government, which sells arms to all parties with the impartiality of a drunken punter at a raffle, now calls for restraint. Restraint from whom exactly? The Israelis, who have the military equivalent of a nuclear arsenal and the patience of a toddler denied a biscuit? Or the Lebanese, who can barely keep their own grid powered, let alone mount a credible offensive? The hypocrisy is so thick you could spread it on toast and call it breakfast.
And what of the victims? Two men, now dead. No names, no faces, just figures in a geopolitical numbers game. They are transformed by the machinery of news into data points: collateral damage in the great game of nations. One can almost hear the oiled gears of propaganda churning: 'Israeli forces acted to protect their border. The UK urges all sides to show restraint.' It's a script so tired it should be retired to a care home for clichés.
But fear not, dear reader, for the great wheel of international diplomacy spins on. The UN will hold a meeting. The US will mumble something about Israel's right to self-defence. France will suggest a new committee. And the UK will continue to play the role of the concerned uncle who pats your head while letting the bully beat you up. All very civilised. All very British.
In the end, the only thing that ever seems to be restrained is the truth. So here is some truth: two people are dead, and nobody in a position of power has the foggiest idea how to stop it. But don't worry, chaps, we've got 'deep concern' on the case. That should sort everything out.
