In a move that would make Caligula blush, Italy has proudly restored the missing testicles on an ancient Roman bull mosaic in Pompeii. British tourists, predictably, are flocking to witness this archaeological pantomime. The restoration, which replaces the bull’s long-lost scrotum with gleaming new marbles, is being hailed as a victory for ‘cultural sensitivity’.
But let us not mince words: this is the intellectual equivalent of drawing a moustache on the Mona Lisa. We live in an age where historical accuracy is sacrificed at the altar of Instagrammable absurdity. The Victorians, at least, had the decency to cover statues with fig leaves.
Now we slap on testicles with the enthusiasm of a TikTok prankster. The irony is rich: a civilization that cannot preserve its own heritage invents a pastiche of it. One imagines the ghost of Pliny the Elder shaking his head.
But the tourists love it. They snap selfies with the mosaic’s restored manhood, blissfully unaware that they are participating in the degradation of history into theme park. This is not restoration.
This is vandalism in reverse. And the British, ever eager for a cheap thrill, have answered the call. Soon every Roman ruin will have its genitalia ‘restored’ to satisfy the prurient curiosity of the modern masses.
So let us raise a glass to Italy’s latest contribution to civilisation: the commodification of ancient balls.
