In a shocking turn of events that has surprised absolutely no one who has ever glanced at a crime statistic, South Africa is reeling from a mass shooting in Johannesburg that left twelve souls ventilated. The attack, which occurred in the Soweto township, has prompted an urgent manhunt for the perpetrators, who remain at large like a bad smell in a confined space. Britain, ever the helpful chap, has offered assistance to the South African government, presumably in the form of a strongly worded letter and a packet of biscuits.
But let us not get ahead of ourselves. The scene of the crime is a grim tableau of modern life: a bar, a bullet, and a body count. The victims, mostly patrons enjoying a quiet evening, were turned into sitting ducks by gunmen who clearly missed the memo on conflict resolution.
The police, meanwhile, are dusting for clues, interrogating witnesses, and probably having a good cry in the break room. This is, after all, South Africa, a nation that has elevated violence to an art form, where the homicide rate is so high that death has become a minor inconvenience. But fear not, dear reader, for Britain has stepped in.
The Foreign Office has released a statement expressing 'deep concern' and offering 'full support' to the South African authorities. Translation: we will send a few detectives who will get lost on the way to the airport, file a report complaining about the heat, and then fly home for a stiff drink. The irony is as thick as the smog over Johannesburg: a country that once borrowed our legal system, our language, and our love of tea, now finds itself borrowing our ability to shrug at mass murder.
The manhunt continues, but let us be honest. In a nation where criminals have better weaponry than the police, the chances of catching the gunmen are about as high as the chances of finding a decent cup of Earl Grey in a Soweto shebeen. So raise a glass of cheap gin to the fallen, and to the British offer of assistance.
Because nothing says 'we care' like a pat on the back and a promise to send a strongly worded tweet. Biff Thistlethwaite, out.
