In a move that has sent shockwaves through the nation's collective conscience and the pockets of every Instagram influencer who has ever stared intensely at a phone while holding a can of something fizzy, the UK Gambling Commission has finally done something. They have banned betting advertisements featuring Harry Kane and Erling Haaland. Yes, you read that correctly. The two gentlemen who make a living by kicking a bag of air into a net are now deemed too dangerous to be seen next to a gambling app. The horror. The sheer, unadulterated horror.
Let us pause for a moment to consider the sheer, breathtaking absurdity of this. We live in a country where you can gamble on literally anything. You can bet on the weather. You can bet on which celebrity will have a nervous breakdown next. You can bet on the colour of the Queen's hat at an event that hasn't happened yet. But by God, we will not have Harry Kane's face on a sponsored post that says 'Bet £10 get £30 in free bets' because that might encourage the youth to partake in a little light gambling. Because, as we all know, the youth are currently not gambling. They are not putting their dinner money on a 12-fold accumulator involving the under-19s of the Latvian third division. No, they are far too busy reading Proust and discussing the nuances of Marxist theory. It is only the evil influence of Harry Kane's honest, slightly worried-looking face that is driving them to the betting shops.
And Erling Haaland. Good Lord. The man is a goal-scoring machine. A Norse god of football. And apparently a danger to society. Because when he scores a hat-trick, the youths will see his face on a betting ad and think, 'Yes, I too can be a millionaire Norwegian striker if I just put my life savings on a correct score.' It's a logical leap that would make a kangaroo blush, but here we are.
Now, I am not a gambling man. I prefer more reliable vices, like gin and cynicism. But even I can see that this ban is not a solution. It is a gesture. A little wave of the hand from the Commission to say, 'Look, we did something.' Meanwhile, the actual problem festers. The problem that is the sheer, unregulated lawlessness of the gambling industry in this country. The problem that football clubs have gambling sponsors plastered across their chests. The problem that every ad break during a match is a torrent of 'bet now' and 'odds boosters' and 'it's a sure thing, mate.' But no. Remove the faces of two players. That will fix it.
What next? Will they ban pictures of horses because they might encourage people to bet on the Grand National? Will they ban images of dice because they might encourage people to play craps? Will they ban the number 7 because it is associated with roulette? The slope is as slippery as a greased pig, and we are sliding down it with all the grace of a drunk man on an ice rink.
And let us not forget the real scandal here. The real scandal is that this ban is about Instagram. Instagram, the platform where people sell teeth whitening kits and leggings that promise to 'lift and separate.' Instagram, the platform where the main activity is looking at pictures of other people's avocado toast and feeling inadequate. And this is where the gambling industry is being brought to heel. Not on television, where it runs rampant. Not on the shirts of footballers, where it is emblazoned for all to see. But on Instagram, because we have to draw the line somewhere. And that line is drawn at Harry Kane's Instagram feed.
So let us all take a moment to applaud the UK Gambling Commission for their bravery. They have faced down the might of the betting industry and they have won. They have removed the faces of two footballers from sponsored posts. The children are safe. The nation is saved. And all it took was a bit of selective enforcement and a complete disregard for the actual nature of the problem. Well done, everyone. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a bet to place on the exact number of times the Prime Minister will say 'levelling up' in his next speech. The odds are 500 to 1. I'm feeling lucky.
