In what can only be described as a masterclass in colonial afterthought, a school fire in central Kenya has claimed 16 young lives, prompting British safety inspectors to tut loudly from the comfort of their Heathrow departure lounge. The blaze, which ripped through a dormitory at Hillside Endarasha Academy in Nyeri county, has left a nation grieving and a pack of UK officials clutching their clipboards with performative concern.
One cannot help but marvel at the exquisite timing of it all. Just as the embers cool, a delegation from the British Fire Standards Commission arrives to point out that the building lacked sprinklers, fire exits were mysteriously locked, and the fire extinguishers were last serviced in 1984. Truly, the Empire strikes back with paperwork.
The death toll, now 16, includes boys aged 9 to 13, who perished in a dormitory that doubled as a locked cage. Reports suggest the single exit was barred from the outside. Because nothing says ‘education for the future’ like a firetrap that would make a Victorian workhouse blush.
‘We are deeply saddened,’ intoned a British official, blinking slowly over his bifocals. ‘Our thoughts and prayers are with the families. Also, we have identified 47 violations of international fire safety protocols.’ One imagines the families clutching their bereavement certificates while being handed a laminated checklist of failures.
The Kenyan government, meanwhile, has promised a full inquiry. Which is British for ‘we’ll form a committee, issue a report in three years, and then ignore it.’ I propose a more gonzo solution: replace every school administrator with a firefighter. At least they know which end of a hose to hold.
The tragedy has reignited a tired debate about safety standards in African schools, where budgets are stretched thinner than a politician’s promise. But let’s not pretend this is solely a local problem. British inspectors have been poking around ex-colonies for decades, filing reports that gather dust while children sleep in death traps. It’s a system: we exploit, they burn, we write, they bury.
In the meantime, the British team has issued a preliminary statement: ‘We recommend immediate installation of smoke alarms, emergency lighting, and a complete overhaul of the electrical wiring.’ They will follow up with a strongly worded letter to the Kenyan Ministry of Education, to be placed in a drawer marked ‘PENDING COLONIAL GUILT.’
Some will call this satire. I call it Tuesday. The parents of 16 boys call it a nightmare they’ll never wake from. The British inspectors call it a valuable learning experience. They’ve already booked their return flights, presumably via a stopover in the 19th century.
The circle of life beats on, or in this case, burns out. Send your donations to the Hillside Endarasha Memorial Fund. British inspectors will be along shortly to audit the receipts.
