Buckingham Palace has announced, with all the solemnity of a man about to be fitted for a crown that actually fits, that His Majesty King Charles III will use the upcoming King’s Speech to mandate a UK-led inquiry into the global online poison trade. This follows confirmation that British citizens have, in a display of truly heroic optimism, purchased lethal substances from the internet with the expectation they were merely getting a good deal on cough syrup. One victim, a Mr.
Algernon Pumblethorpe from Scunthorpe, reportedly bought what he thought was a ‘muscle-relaxing herbal tea’ from a seller with the username ‘DoctorDeath420.’ He is now, in the words of his widow, ‘very relaxed indeed, permanently.’ The inquiry, to be chaired by a barrister who has never touched the internet, will investigate the shadowy corners of the dark web where one can apparently buy ricin, cyanide, and possibly a slightly used unicorn.
‘We must take a stand,’ said a palace source, ‘against the casual commodification of mortality. Also, the King read about it in the Daily Mail and was rather cross.’ The opposition has, naturally, called for the inquiry to be expanded to cover all forms of online mis-selling, from poisonous supplements to those ‘miracle’ weight loss gummies that turn your insides into a slip ‘n’ slide.
Meanwhile, eBay has issued a statement: ‘We take user safety seriously. We have removed the listing for “Antifreeze: Now With Extra Flavour.”’ The inquiry is expected to cost £47 million, promise many chin-stroking moments, and conclude that a committee should be formed to examine the possibility of another inquiry.
This is journalism. This is truth. This is the sound of a nation collectively sighing before returning to its online shopping.
