In a development that has sent shivers down the spines of both Parisian café philosophers and London tabloid sub-editors, French crooner Patrick Bruel finds himself under formal investigation for rape. The Guardianistas are already reaching for their smelling salts, while the Mail's legal eagles are chuntering about 'cross-border jurisprudence' – a phrase that sounds far more exciting than the reality of extradition paperwork and procedural delays.
Bruel, a man whose face adorns more French walls than a Camembert advert, now faces the grim prospect of swapping his microphone for a prison cell. The alleged incidents, occurring in a realm of ambiguous consent and Gallic shrugs, have prompted UK legal teams to scrutinise the case with the intensity of a sommelier sniffing a cork. Will Johnny Foreigner see justice? Or will it be another case of 'continental confusion'?
Our own experts, a collection of retired magistrates and gin-soaked columnists, have already opined that 'if he did it, he should be hung, drawn, and quartered.' Others, more cautious, mutter about 'innocent until proven snobby.' Meanwhile, the French legal system, a contraption of baffling complexity, gears up for a trial that promises more twists than a baguette at a contortionist convention.
The victim, a woman of steely resolve and presumably a lawyer on speed dial, has set the wheels of justice in motion. Her courage, we are told, is commendable. But will the great British public care about the fate of a man whose greatest crime, until now, was releasing a duet with Johnny Hallyday? Only time, and the circulation figures of the Daily Mail, will tell.
As the story unfolds, your correspondent will be keeping a weather eye on the proceedings, fortified by a bottle of Gordon's and a packet of Hobnobs. Stay tuned for updates, delivered with the usual dose of bile and bonhomie.
