In a move that has left intelligence veterans scrambling for the nearest exit, Donald Trump has selected Bill Pulte, a housing official with no visible experience in espionage, to become the next Director of National Intelligence. Sources confirm the decision was made late last night over a dinner of steak and resentment.
Pulte, best known for his role in the Department of Housing and Urban Development, has spent his career overseeing affordable housing programmes. His résumé lacks any mention of covert operations, signal intercepts, or even a basic understanding of the difference between a mole and a molehill. But in Trump's Washington, that might be the point.
Uncovered documents from within the transition team suggest Pulte was chosen for his 'unquestioning loyalty' and his willingness to 'drain the swamp' without first checking what lives there. His mandate appears clear: purge the intelligence community of anyone who has ever read a newspaper, and replace them with loyalists who can be trusted to tell the president what he wants to hear.
Critics have been swift. Former CIA directors, speaking on condition of anonymity for fear of reprisal, describe the appointment as 'catastrophic' and 'frighteningly incompetent'. One remarked, 'It would be like putting a vegan in charge of a slaughterhouse. He will either be eaten alive or do something unspeakably stupid.'
But Pulte has his defenders. A source close to the nomination insists that his lack of experience is a strength. 'Bill knows how to build things. He built houses. He can build a spy network. How different can it be?' Very different, say experts. Notably, houses do not usually engage in cyber warfare or assassinations.
The timing is particularly alarming. The intelligence community is currently managing crises on multiple fronts: Russian disinformation campaigns, Chinese espionage, North Korean nuclear tests, and Iranian proxy activities. Pulte will now oversee all of this, presumably with the same expertise he used to approve Section 8 vouchers.
Senator Mark Warner, the ranking Democrat on the Intelligence Committee, has already called for an emergency hearing. 'This is not a game,' he said. 'We are trusting a man who has never held a security clearance with the country's deepest secrets. That is not just reckless. It is a hazard.'
But in the Trump administration, hazards are opportunities. Pulte's confirmation is expected to be a bare-knuckle fight, but with a Republican-controlled Senate, he will likely slip through. The only question is how much damage he can do before the next election cycle.
For now, the intelligence community braces for impact. Agents worry that Pulte will demand daily briefings on 'caravans' and 'Obamagate' while ignoring actual threats. They are also concerned about his commitment to whistle-blower protections and the rule of law. But Pulte has assured reporters that he will 'get to the bottom of everything' and that 'everyone knows I am a straight shooter.'
One thing is certain: the posting of a housing official to the nation's top intelligence job is not an anomaly. It is a pattern. Trump has long regarded the intelligence community as a 'deep state' enemy. Pulte is the weapon of choice for this assault. And the casualties are likely to be American national security.
As one former intelligence officer put it, 'We are now living in a country where the man in charge of the nation's secrets knows more about subprime mortgages than subprime sources. Pray for us.'
