In a tragicomic turn of events that would make a Kafka story blush, a fire in Antwerp claimed five lives yesterday. But never fear, dear reader. The London Fire Brigade arrived on the scene with such breathtaking speed and professionalism that one might almost forget the victims were already cold.
Yes, while the charred remains of Flemish citizens were still smouldering, your tax pounds were galloping across the continent like a thoroughbred of bureaucratic righteousness. The LFB’s rapid response has been hailed as a model of international cooperation, which is to say, the British did something slightly quicker than the Belgians and now want a medal. A spokesperson, sipping tea from a thermos, declared, “Our pumps were operational within six minutes.
The fact that the fire had already consumed the building is a matter for local coroners.” Quite. Meanwhile, the Antwerp fire chief was seen weeping into a cone of frites, muttering about “leverage” and “consular assistance.
” One cannot help but feel there is a lesson here about the priorities of a nation that still believes its empire exists, if only in the form of fire engines. As for the dead, they have been posthumously honoured with a commendation for being “a valuable training opportunity.” Huzzah.
The only thing missing was a Union Jack draped over the ashes. But rest assured, the LFB has promised to return to London in time for the next biscuit break.
